I'm sure someone else has thought of this....but I don't know if anyone has ever pointed it out to me, and it just dawned on me this week.
About a year ago, I discovered the necessity of a weekly Sabbath. I don't even remember, now, what drove me to it. I just know that I will never go back -- one day a week (right now it's normally Tuesdays), I stop and take time to remember who I am, who I belong to, and what the point of it all really is.
So now I'm at the beginning of a Lenten journey, and I realized...Lent is 50 days long, just short of 1/7 of a year! I know it's not a Biblically mandated thing, but it sure makes sense to me that there would be a period of time each year (and springtime makes good sense!) to refocus and reenergize in some way.
Now, as I work on my routines, I've set aside 60 minutes a day for a mini-Sabbath, and 30 minutes a day to do something that's not on my schedule, preferably something creative, something that "adds to the beauty."
Just did the math: in a 16-hour day (allowing for 8 hours of sleep), 1/7 of that day is just over two hours. So here's what I'm thinkin' -- let's bump that 30 minutes of creative time up to 60 minutes, and I'll have a daily, weekly and yearly rhythm of sabbath!
This could, I suppose, get selfish really fast -- but I don't think that's where this is going.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
First Day Away From Home: Epiphany
Yesterday I borrowed my friend's car, as I normally do on Fridays, for errands, etc. It was the first day since Lent began that I've been away from the house. I didn't feel prepared, partly because my my evening routine isn't solid, yet, and I hadn't set out all the things I'd need for the day.
I had *tried* to plan my food, but got stuck. Didn't know where I'd be at lunch time...decided just to record it as I went and hope for the best.
On the food level, it went just okay. No binges (no weight loss this morrning, either), but I did *not* record everything and I had that old "out of control" feeling that makes me want to go *completely* out of control.
So on a purely logistical level, I learned that I am correct in believing that faithfulness to my routines is the key. No matter what, do the prep work.
On a deeper level, I spent a good part of the day in the car, with lots of time to think and observe my emotions. I was irritable, fearful, anxious, even resentful, by turns. "What is WRONG with me??" was the question of the day.
Here's the best answer I could find, and I think it's important to my recovery. For whatever reason, I do not want seem to want to ENGAGE. I don't want to be deeply involved in other people. I don't want to care...about anything. In everything I do, I seem to maintain an odd *distance* from it.
I've partly done that through food -- eating gives me something else that I'm doing, rather than being completely involved in the people and events I'm in contact with. If I'm always eating...thats what I'm doing. It's a sort of shell, a way that I can show up do the right thing (or the thing I choose, whether right and wrong is even an issue)...but not be completely there. Even when I'm not eating at the moment, overeating and eating junk food has kept me in enough of a haze that I'm never fully engaged.
Maybe that's part of the jittery feeling I experienced the other night. I was a turtle without its shell -- even at home alone, I was in danger of completely engaging in the work I was doing, or the housework. I think that's where the "stuck" feeling comes from, the "need" for "transition time." It takes me forever to become willing to even *do* the next thing, let alone put my heart into it.
I could spend time analyzing *why* I'm this way, and could write pages and pages about where it began, and I could see where that might be valuable in some cases...but I think I've done a lot of that work, and all I'm really interested in right now is where the process has left me. I'm here now, feeling afraid and resentful of engaging in the people, places, activities and events that mean a lot to me. Where do I go from here?
I think the answer is to stay the course. Continue to throw off the shell, let it make me uncomfortable, continue to observe and understand and forgive myself for it all, and see what beautiful things come of the reversal of this weird disorder.
Yesterday, that meant sitting at a laundromat really reading the book in my hands, instead of accompanying it with a candy bar and a soda. It meant kissing my mom and smiling at her, even when I was just running up to her door to get the cell phone I'd left behind earlier.
This morning, it meant setting my timer before I got out of bed, to push myself into the first step in my day. It also meant observing myself and talking out loud to myself when I tumbled back into bed halfway through the morning routine.
And right now it means obeying the alarm that just went off, and going to get myself some breakfast.
I had *tried* to plan my food, but got stuck. Didn't know where I'd be at lunch time...decided just to record it as I went and hope for the best.
On the food level, it went just okay. No binges (no weight loss this morrning, either), but I did *not* record everything and I had that old "out of control" feeling that makes me want to go *completely* out of control.
So on a purely logistical level, I learned that I am correct in believing that faithfulness to my routines is the key. No matter what, do the prep work.
On a deeper level, I spent a good part of the day in the car, with lots of time to think and observe my emotions. I was irritable, fearful, anxious, even resentful, by turns. "What is WRONG with me??" was the question of the day.
Here's the best answer I could find, and I think it's important to my recovery. For whatever reason, I do not want seem to want to ENGAGE. I don't want to be deeply involved in other people. I don't want to care...about anything. In everything I do, I seem to maintain an odd *distance* from it.
I've partly done that through food -- eating gives me something else that I'm doing, rather than being completely involved in the people and events I'm in contact with. If I'm always eating...thats what I'm doing. It's a sort of shell, a way that I can show up do the right thing (or the thing I choose, whether right and wrong is even an issue)...but not be completely there. Even when I'm not eating at the moment, overeating and eating junk food has kept me in enough of a haze that I'm never fully engaged.
Maybe that's part of the jittery feeling I experienced the other night. I was a turtle without its shell -- even at home alone, I was in danger of completely engaging in the work I was doing, or the housework. I think that's where the "stuck" feeling comes from, the "need" for "transition time." It takes me forever to become willing to even *do* the next thing, let alone put my heart into it.
I could spend time analyzing *why* I'm this way, and could write pages and pages about where it began, and I could see where that might be valuable in some cases...but I think I've done a lot of that work, and all I'm really interested in right now is where the process has left me. I'm here now, feeling afraid and resentful of engaging in the people, places, activities and events that mean a lot to me. Where do I go from here?
I think the answer is to stay the course. Continue to throw off the shell, let it make me uncomfortable, continue to observe and understand and forgive myself for it all, and see what beautiful things come of the reversal of this weird disorder.
Yesterday, that meant sitting at a laundromat really reading the book in my hands, instead of accompanying it with a candy bar and a soda. It meant kissing my mom and smiling at her, even when I was just running up to her door to get the cell phone I'd left behind earlier.
This morning, it meant setting my timer before I got out of bed, to push myself into the first step in my day. It also meant observing myself and talking out loud to myself when I tumbled back into bed halfway through the morning routine.
And right now it means obeying the alarm that just went off, and going to get myself some breakfast.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
This may take a LOT of blogging, at first...
I am feeling borderline psychotic, right now.
I decluttered the couch this morning, so my bedroom is looking better. It's bedroom week in FlyLady world. I *thought* I was okay with the office waiting its turn...but in my hyper state (even after the Popcorn Incident I'm still jittery), I can't tolerate the mess.
I just cleaned out my purse *and* my backpack. Did *not* find the jump drive I thought was surely in one of them. It's not in the top drawer of my desk, either.
This is starting to look like an all-night desk and office declutter...but I'm borrowing Matt's car at 8:15 in the morning, so if I stay up all night doing this, will I be able to get up and do my morning routine?
I HATE it that these questions are still an issue for me, at the age of 48. Shouldn't I be winding down, about now? Shouldn't I be spending my evenings reading and my mornings in peaceful contemplation, just before heading over to an office that is set up just the way I need it, to do work I have been doing the same way for years?
Okay, enough "shouldn't I" talk.
What am I going to do TONIGHT?????
Since I have NO idea what I *should* do, I'm going to do what I *want* to do, which is to clean up this office. When I'm done, I'll figure out what I'm doing about tomorrow.
There ya have it. I'll check in later.
P.S. Remembered where I put the jump drive, so the scary-urgency thing is diminished...but not the jittery-urgency. Maybe that means I do the cleanup tonight, but not *all* night...
P.P.S. I can do some of this as part of my Evening Routine, without breaking any resolutions. Here's my decision: do just as much work as I need to, in order to run a report I promised for the India office, then start my Evening Routine and stretch the "launch pad and desk" and "declutter hot spots" items a little. That should get things tidied up enough that I don't feel like I'm going crazy. In my Evening Routine, I have an "update my calendar" item -- that will allow me to make decisions about how to get the Morning Routine stuff done. Whew. I think I'm gonna make it.
I decluttered the couch this morning, so my bedroom is looking better. It's bedroom week in FlyLady world. I *thought* I was okay with the office waiting its turn...but in my hyper state (even after the Popcorn Incident I'm still jittery), I can't tolerate the mess.
I just cleaned out my purse *and* my backpack. Did *not* find the jump drive I thought was surely in one of them. It's not in the top drawer of my desk, either.
This is starting to look like an all-night desk and office declutter...but I'm borrowing Matt's car at 8:15 in the morning, so if I stay up all night doing this, will I be able to get up and do my morning routine?
I HATE it that these questions are still an issue for me, at the age of 48. Shouldn't I be winding down, about now? Shouldn't I be spending my evenings reading and my mornings in peaceful contemplation, just before heading over to an office that is set up just the way I need it, to do work I have been doing the same way for years?
Okay, enough "shouldn't I" talk.
What am I going to do TONIGHT?????
Since I have NO idea what I *should* do, I'm going to do what I *want* to do, which is to clean up this office. When I'm done, I'll figure out what I'm doing about tomorrow.
There ya have it. I'll check in later.
P.S. Remembered where I put the jump drive, so the scary-urgency thing is diminished...but not the jittery-urgency. Maybe that means I do the cleanup tonight, but not *all* night...
P.P.S. I can do some of this as part of my Evening Routine, without breaking any resolutions. Here's my decision: do just as much work as I need to, in order to run a report I promised for the India office, then start my Evening Routine and stretch the "launch pad and desk" and "declutter hot spots" items a little. That should get things tidied up enough that I don't feel like I'm going crazy. In my Evening Routine, I have an "update my calendar" item -- that will allow me to make decisions about how to get the Morning Routine stuff done. Whew. I think I'm gonna make it.
Failure?
Failure...? Or learning experience? I guess that depends on how I proceed from here.
It's Thursday. That means mandatory community dinner in the Christian community where I live. As 6:00 approached, I felt more and more pressure -- still feeling my engine revving, for whatever reason, and my brain going through the list of foods that would stop it from revving and give me some blessed, sedated relief. The #1 contender was a big bowl of popcorn with a bunch of olive oil and nutritional yeast. Good food, but not low-cal, and I knew I didn't have the calories left in my daily tally to swap it out for the spinach and tomato sautee I had planned for dinner.
Spinach and tomatoes, sauteed in olive oil and sprinkled with nutritional yeast, is pretty satisfying stuff and would probably have done the trick and calmed me a bit -- I initially decided to "stay the course," and headed into the kitchen to cook my dinner.
Problem: no clean pans. Last straw. I grabbed the popcorn pan (always on top of my stove), and in five minutes I was on the couch, stuffing oily popcorn into my mouth as fast as I could.
It worked. I felt better. Walked over to community dinner, not knowing exactly what I would do but hoping I would *not* end up with a piled-up plate of comfort food. Hoping...as if I didn't really have any control over it. Maybe a *little* more in-control than that sounds.
The room was just as crowded, noisy and chaotic as it always is. The menu was Sloppy Joes and potato chips. There was a table of fruit available, but it didn't look even a little bit appealing to me. One of my neighbors greeted me with bad news: Child Protective Services is contacting her because her son had a headache and told the school nurse it was because his mom had "hit him with a bowl." True -- but he didn't mention she was making dinner, turned suddenly and hit him accidentally.
I did my best to listen to my friend's troubles, looked around for a seat...and decided to bail. Probably best. Maybe by next week I'll be stronger, more normaled-out.
I've just adjusted my food diary online, and I'm still in weight-loss range, calorically (barely). I need to start fasting now anyway, for some lab tests tomorrow morning. I'm okay.
Maybe I need to make up some of this popcorn and store it in a big canister or something, doling it out a cup at a time as a snack...? Or maybe not yet. Not while I'm still tempted to eat large quantities of it.
One big lesson out of this: stay the course and see if the planned food does what's needed.
Another: don't tolerate situations where I think I need to break my food plan in order to carry on. Instead, make my health the highest priority, even if it means I fall short on some other commitments for awhile.
One more: I need to exercise more. I think it will even out the chemical changes, and will give me more "calorie space" when this stuff comes up.
The biggest lesson is yet to be learned as I live it out: Don't quit. Don't overreact. This isn't even really a failure, since I'm still within weight loss range today. Just do the next thing. :)
It's Thursday. That means mandatory community dinner in the Christian community where I live. As 6:00 approached, I felt more and more pressure -- still feeling my engine revving, for whatever reason, and my brain going through the list of foods that would stop it from revving and give me some blessed, sedated relief. The #1 contender was a big bowl of popcorn with a bunch of olive oil and nutritional yeast. Good food, but not low-cal, and I knew I didn't have the calories left in my daily tally to swap it out for the spinach and tomato sautee I had planned for dinner.
Spinach and tomatoes, sauteed in olive oil and sprinkled with nutritional yeast, is pretty satisfying stuff and would probably have done the trick and calmed me a bit -- I initially decided to "stay the course," and headed into the kitchen to cook my dinner.
Problem: no clean pans. Last straw. I grabbed the popcorn pan (always on top of my stove), and in five minutes I was on the couch, stuffing oily popcorn into my mouth as fast as I could.
It worked. I felt better. Walked over to community dinner, not knowing exactly what I would do but hoping I would *not* end up with a piled-up plate of comfort food. Hoping...as if I didn't really have any control over it. Maybe a *little* more in-control than that sounds.
The room was just as crowded, noisy and chaotic as it always is. The menu was Sloppy Joes and potato chips. There was a table of fruit available, but it didn't look even a little bit appealing to me. One of my neighbors greeted me with bad news: Child Protective Services is contacting her because her son had a headache and told the school nurse it was because his mom had "hit him with a bowl." True -- but he didn't mention she was making dinner, turned suddenly and hit him accidentally.
I did my best to listen to my friend's troubles, looked around for a seat...and decided to bail. Probably best. Maybe by next week I'll be stronger, more normaled-out.
I've just adjusted my food diary online, and I'm still in weight-loss range, calorically (barely). I need to start fasting now anyway, for some lab tests tomorrow morning. I'm okay.
Maybe I need to make up some of this popcorn and store it in a big canister or something, doling it out a cup at a time as a snack...? Or maybe not yet. Not while I'm still tempted to eat large quantities of it.
One big lesson out of this: stay the course and see if the planned food does what's needed.
Another: don't tolerate situations where I think I need to break my food plan in order to carry on. Instead, make my health the highest priority, even if it means I fall short on some other commitments for awhile.
One more: I need to exercise more. I think it will even out the chemical changes, and will give me more "calorie space" when this stuff comes up.
The biggest lesson is yet to be learned as I live it out: Don't quit. Don't overreact. This isn't even really a failure, since I'm still within weight loss range today. Just do the next thing. :)
Weird reactions
The first two days of Lent have brought an odd reaction from my body -- yesterday I was reluctant to move and exhausted by the end of the day. Today I am so hyper I just now had to lay down and do some deep breathing to keep my brain from racing away. Felt like I was going to spin right up into the air. Weird.
I don't *think* it's caffeine. I've been doing a lot of caffeine, for a long time, now. I don't think it's sugar -- I haven't had anything high-glycemic for the past two days. I think it's just my body chemistry trying to adjust. Yesterday it made for a very low-productive day at work, and today I was *very* productive, until my brain threatened to run away from home. Hoping to get more done tonight.
If you're praying for me, pray that my metabolism or whatever will even out and I can feel more normal! Still, it isn't entirely unpleasant -- any change is a good change, at this point.
Another observation: I've always known that I tended to need long transition periods between activities, but now that I'm trying to get several new things done each day it's becoming really obvious. True to FlyLady's system, I'm setting a timer for routine activities. My morning routine (which includes a daily mini-Sabbath and some time for creative stuff) adds up to three hours, but the past two mornings I have started out every day an hour behind. That extra hour seems to be entirely taken up with "staring at a wall" (or staring at a TV). The activities themselves don't take longer than they're scheduled -- the transitions are what's killin' me.
In other words, I need to develop the skill of moving smoothly and without resistance from one activity to another. I kinda knew that, but I didn't realize how important it would be to develop that skill. Something else to pray about!
I don't *think* it's caffeine. I've been doing a lot of caffeine, for a long time, now. I don't think it's sugar -- I haven't had anything high-glycemic for the past two days. I think it's just my body chemistry trying to adjust. Yesterday it made for a very low-productive day at work, and today I was *very* productive, until my brain threatened to run away from home. Hoping to get more done tonight.
If you're praying for me, pray that my metabolism or whatever will even out and I can feel more normal! Still, it isn't entirely unpleasant -- any change is a good change, at this point.
Another observation: I've always known that I tended to need long transition periods between activities, but now that I'm trying to get several new things done each day it's becoming really obvious. True to FlyLady's system, I'm setting a timer for routine activities. My morning routine (which includes a daily mini-Sabbath and some time for creative stuff) adds up to three hours, but the past two mornings I have started out every day an hour behind. That extra hour seems to be entirely taken up with "staring at a wall" (or staring at a TV). The activities themselves don't take longer than they're scheduled -- the transitions are what's killin' me.
In other words, I need to develop the skill of moving smoothly and without resistance from one activity to another. I kinda knew that, but I didn't realize how important it would be to develop that skill. Something else to pray about!
Day 2
Again today I read a little in _SubMerge_ during my mini-Sabbath. Here's the thought that came out of it, one I really need to hold in my heart for awhile:
I want to LOVE, not just ENJOY the people I live with. There's a big difference. I really enjoy my life here at Joshua Station. I enjoy the beautiful little things that happen, the children who come to my door and the moments I spend tutoring or making jewelry with my neighbors, or driving them to the grocery store.
But if I really *love* little Maria, I'll think about her when she's *not* at my door. I'll remember that she had a bad day at school yesterday and maybe I'll call to see if today was any better. I'll pray for her. If I really *love* my friend Amanda, I'll initiate time with her when I have other things to do. I'll play games with her. I'll feel a little empty when I *haven't* had time with her.
I think maybe I can develop some of this through practice -- remembering daily that this is what I want to do and who I want to be. A lot of it, however, will have to come directly through the Spirit of God, so I'm praying he'll work it in me.
I vaguely remember...maybe *not* so vaguely...being afraid of this kind of thing, but I don't feel afraid any more. A tiny little wave of overwhelmediness (my own word -- thank you!) rises up, but it's quickly stemmed by memories of God's faithfulness to me. I remember that God has *commanded* me to take a Sabbath rest each week, and I remember what I learned only yesterday: I am not to give my life TO the Kingdom. I am to live my life IN ministry.
Life in the Beautiful Kingdom is just this way: we love each other. We are not isolated, looking out our windows to merely enjoy the view. We step outdoors and greet each other, invite each other in, feed and clothe each other. We live together.
I want to LOVE, not just ENJOY the people I live with. There's a big difference. I really enjoy my life here at Joshua Station. I enjoy the beautiful little things that happen, the children who come to my door and the moments I spend tutoring or making jewelry with my neighbors, or driving them to the grocery store.
But if I really *love* little Maria, I'll think about her when she's *not* at my door. I'll remember that she had a bad day at school yesterday and maybe I'll call to see if today was any better. I'll pray for her. If I really *love* my friend Amanda, I'll initiate time with her when I have other things to do. I'll play games with her. I'll feel a little empty when I *haven't* had time with her.
I think maybe I can develop some of this through practice -- remembering daily that this is what I want to do and who I want to be. A lot of it, however, will have to come directly through the Spirit of God, so I'm praying he'll work it in me.
I vaguely remember...maybe *not* so vaguely...being afraid of this kind of thing, but I don't feel afraid any more. A tiny little wave of overwhelmediness (my own word -- thank you!) rises up, but it's quickly stemmed by memories of God's faithfulness to me. I remember that God has *commanded* me to take a Sabbath rest each week, and I remember what I learned only yesterday: I am not to give my life TO the Kingdom. I am to live my life IN ministry.
Life in the Beautiful Kingdom is just this way: we love each other. We are not isolated, looking out our windows to merely enjoy the view. We step outdoors and greet each other, invite each other in, feed and clothe each other. We live together.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
My Life is My Ministry
One of my new Lenten disciplines is an hour of what I'm calling "Spirit time" each day -- mini-Sabbaths that may look a little different every day, just as my weekly Sabbath days do.
Today I'm reading a book titled _SubMerge_ by John Hayes, general director of InnerChange, about incarnational ministry among the poor. I partly chose it because I need to return it to Rebecca before she leaves the country in a month or so (!), but it also speaks to my soul every time I have a chance to read a bit. I'll probably need to buy my own copy. (Bunnytrail temptation...is it available on Kindle? Should I *get* a Kindle? Resisting...resisting...) :)
Here's part of what I read today. The bolded portions jumped out at me most:
"Your ministry is not your life; your life should be your ministry. Its a tiny change in word order, but there's a gigantic difference -- one that will lead you to burnout and misery if you confuse the two.
"When ministry is your life, you will give when you have nothing to give, work when you should be resting, neglect that which should be your greatest priority, and ultimately loathe the very people you are called to love. In short, when ministry is your life, you have no life to offer to others and nothing but ministry to invite others into.
"On the other hand, when your life is your ministry, all of life becomes a sacrament before God: your work and your rest, your eating and sleeping, your generosity and your neediness, your care for your body and the environment, your trivial pastimes and your greatest accomplishments. When all of your life is what you offer as your ministry, then nothing is wasted. In short, when your life is what you offer to others as ministry, what you offer is multifacetted and rich with meaning."
This is now part of my Lenten contemplation -- I have always wanted, as most Christians do, for "all my life" to be given to God and His Kingdom. We sing it in many of our songs, we pray it, we talk about it...but we secretly sense that it's impossible.
What if I stop trying to give my life TO the Kingdom (leaving me with no life at all) and instead live my life IN the Kingdom? Just typing that sentence made my heart smile and my mind flash on scenes from every adventure story I've ever read that's set in a glorious kingdom. Living my life IN the Kingdom means I have something truly beautiful to invite others into.
Today I'm reading a book titled _SubMerge_ by John Hayes, general director of InnerChange, about incarnational ministry among the poor. I partly chose it because I need to return it to Rebecca before she leaves the country in a month or so (!), but it also speaks to my soul every time I have a chance to read a bit. I'll probably need to buy my own copy. (Bunnytrail temptation...is it available on Kindle? Should I *get* a Kindle? Resisting...resisting...) :)
Here's part of what I read today. The bolded portions jumped out at me most:
"Your ministry is not your life; your life should be your ministry. Its a tiny change in word order, but there's a gigantic difference -- one that will lead you to burnout and misery if you confuse the two.
"When ministry is your life, you will give when you have nothing to give, work when you should be resting, neglect that which should be your greatest priority, and ultimately loathe the very people you are called to love. In short, when ministry is your life, you have no life to offer to others and nothing but ministry to invite others into.
"On the other hand, when your life is your ministry, all of life becomes a sacrament before God: your work and your rest, your eating and sleeping, your generosity and your neediness, your care for your body and the environment, your trivial pastimes and your greatest accomplishments. When all of your life is what you offer as your ministry, then nothing is wasted. In short, when your life is what you offer to others as ministry, what you offer is multifacetted and rich with meaning."
This is now part of my Lenten contemplation -- I have always wanted, as most Christians do, for "all my life" to be given to God and His Kingdom. We sing it in many of our songs, we pray it, we talk about it...but we secretly sense that it's impossible.
What if I stop trying to give my life TO the Kingdom (leaving me with no life at all) and instead live my life IN the Kingdom? Just typing that sentence made my heart smile and my mind flash on scenes from every adventure story I've ever read that's set in a glorious kingdom. Living my life IN the Kingdom means I have something truly beautiful to invite others into.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Fat Tuesday
Day before Ash Wednesday...Mardi Gras, Fat Tuesday, last day before Lent. I was reminded today that "Lent" means "springtime." Perfect!
I thought I would spend the day getting my home in order, but then I realized: that's what the Lenten fast will be for. Today was my Sabbath (Tuesdays work better for me). I decided to take it easy, but do a few things that would prepare the way for the disciplines that begin tomorrow.
I took some "before" pictures of my home, but the only reason I would post them is as a contrast to the "after" pictures. No need to wallow in the mess -- I'll post the pictures when it's time to rejoice in the progress!
Tomorrow I'll post my physical starting points: weight, blood pressure, measurements, etc. I'll have more after I go in for some lab work on Friday. I'll take some "before" pictures of my body, too -- in the stretchy black jumpsuit thingie I bought a few weeks ago just for this purpose.
By the way...OMG...if you get a chance to YouTube the president's speech on the economy that I'm watching right now, do it. Now THIS is a president. Thank you, Lord!!
I thought I would spend the day getting my home in order, but then I realized: that's what the Lenten fast will be for. Today was my Sabbath (Tuesdays work better for me). I decided to take it easy, but do a few things that would prepare the way for the disciplines that begin tomorrow.
I took some "before" pictures of my home, but the only reason I would post them is as a contrast to the "after" pictures. No need to wallow in the mess -- I'll post the pictures when it's time to rejoice in the progress!
Tomorrow I'll post my physical starting points: weight, blood pressure, measurements, etc. I'll have more after I go in for some lab work on Friday. I'll take some "before" pictures of my body, too -- in the stretchy black jumpsuit thingie I bought a few weeks ago just for this purpose.
By the way...OMG...if you get a chance to YouTube the president's speech on the economy that I'm watching right now, do it. Now THIS is a president. Thank you, Lord!!
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Extreme Lifestyle Makeover
Lent is coming...I've been thinking about that a lot. A couple of years ago, I heard my pastor say in a sermon, "What is going to be DIFFERENT, because of this season?" NOT "what are you going to give up," but what is going to be different? I like that.
Last week, one of the pastors at my new church taught from Isaiah 58, and the main point was that God is not impressed with our silly little fasts -- the kind of fast he want is the kind that makes a difference in the world.
So here's what I'm thinking............
I have several (many) things that I've tried to change, over the years -- a whole list of things that I know work, that I need to build into my life. Everything from diet and exercise to budgeting and housekeeping, and more. All put together, they form a pretty complete vision of the way I want to manage the basics of life, so that I'm free and energized to focus on things *outside* my life. It's actually pretty wonderful and miraculous that all these systems have come together and I know exactly what to do.
So here I am with this perfect plan, every piece of which I've tried out at some point and know that it works. Why am I not living it all? Every piece has been picked up, tried out...and dropped. Why?
Yeah...I can't answer that question, at least not completely, but I know what I want to do right now. I want to make it happen, and Lent seems like a good opportunity.
Here's what I'm gonna do. Put it all into Outlook, so it's centrally located and listed...and do it. For the 50 days of Lent, I'm just gonna do it. Stay up all night, get up early in the morning -- whatever it takes. Just push through the discomfort all at once, and commit to it for these seven weeks, as a Lenten fast.
I think it's a proper Isaiah 58 fast, too, because my motivation has shifted, over the years. I no longer want to lose weight so I can get a boyfriend...a husband...a career...whatever. Now I just want the energy to love the people I live with and follow through on the things God has planned for me to do. I want the Kingdom to come to MY LIFE. True, I will also be happier, healthier, and enjoy life more...but that's the way the Kingdom works, isn't it? Everyone gets blessed. God is so good.
The elements of my 50-Day Extreme Lifestyle Makeover are:
Using MyFoodDiary.com's guidelines as minimum food guidelines, and recording all my food
Half an hour to one hour of exercise every day (also recorded on MyFoodDiary.com).
Setting up and adhering to my March and April budgets, using MyTotalMoneyMakeover.com
Using FlyLady's housekeeping system, with the Daily Flyt Plan as a minimum standard
One hour of spiritual time every day (mini-Sabbath -- not sure what form they will take)
A weekly complete Sabbath day
Keeping up and doing well with work commitments (30-40 hours a week)
Keeping up and doing well with Joshua Station commitments (tutoring and resident volunteer)
I think I'll post some "before" pictures and post some "before" notes on Tuesday (the day before Ash Wednesday, and my last Sabbath before Lent).
:)
Last week, one of the pastors at my new church taught from Isaiah 58, and the main point was that God is not impressed with our silly little fasts -- the kind of fast he want is the kind that makes a difference in the world.
So here's what I'm thinking............
I have several (many) things that I've tried to change, over the years -- a whole list of things that I know work, that I need to build into my life. Everything from diet and exercise to budgeting and housekeeping, and more. All put together, they form a pretty complete vision of the way I want to manage the basics of life, so that I'm free and energized to focus on things *outside* my life. It's actually pretty wonderful and miraculous that all these systems have come together and I know exactly what to do.
So here I am with this perfect plan, every piece of which I've tried out at some point and know that it works. Why am I not living it all? Every piece has been picked up, tried out...and dropped. Why?
Yeah...I can't answer that question, at least not completely, but I know what I want to do right now. I want to make it happen, and Lent seems like a good opportunity.
Here's what I'm gonna do. Put it all into Outlook, so it's centrally located and listed...and do it. For the 50 days of Lent, I'm just gonna do it. Stay up all night, get up early in the morning -- whatever it takes. Just push through the discomfort all at once, and commit to it for these seven weeks, as a Lenten fast.
I think it's a proper Isaiah 58 fast, too, because my motivation has shifted, over the years. I no longer want to lose weight so I can get a boyfriend...a husband...a career...whatever. Now I just want the energy to love the people I live with and follow through on the things God has planned for me to do. I want the Kingdom to come to MY LIFE. True, I will also be happier, healthier, and enjoy life more...but that's the way the Kingdom works, isn't it? Everyone gets blessed. God is so good.
The elements of my 50-Day Extreme Lifestyle Makeover are:
Using MyFoodDiary.com's guidelines as minimum food guidelines, and recording all my food
Half an hour to one hour of exercise every day (also recorded on MyFoodDiary.com).
Setting up and adhering to my March and April budgets, using MyTotalMoneyMakeover.com
Using FlyLady's housekeeping system, with the Daily Flyt Plan as a minimum standard
One hour of spiritual time every day (mini-Sabbath -- not sure what form they will take)
A weekly complete Sabbath day
Keeping up and doing well with work commitments (30-40 hours a week)
Keeping up and doing well with Joshua Station commitments (tutoring and resident volunteer)
I think I'll post some "before" pictures and post some "before" notes on Tuesday (the day before Ash Wednesday, and my last Sabbath before Lent).
:)
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Happy
No posts for 15 months, then three in one day!
I'm happy now, as this weird Sabbath day ends. My puttering resulted in a relatively-clean kitchen and front room. I decided I'd spare my downstairs neighbors and not clean the floors tonight (it's midnight!).
I do NOT feel:
--miserable that I spent my Sabbath cleaning
--bummed that I didn't get it ALL done (the bedroom is still pretty much a wreck)
--stressed that I'm facing a busy work week again
In fact, since I work at home I'm feeling really happy about the work week beginning. I have a pleasant place to work!
So I'll keep on puttering whenever I have a little time, instead of crashing. I'll bet the difference in calories burned will add up, and I know the difference in my state of mind will be pretty huge, also.
I'm happy now, as this weird Sabbath day ends. My puttering resulted in a relatively-clean kitchen and front room. I decided I'd spare my downstairs neighbors and not clean the floors tonight (it's midnight!).
I do NOT feel:
--miserable that I spent my Sabbath cleaning
--bummed that I didn't get it ALL done (the bedroom is still pretty much a wreck)
--stressed that I'm facing a busy work week again
In fact, since I work at home I'm feeling really happy about the work week beginning. I have a pleasant place to work!
So I'll keep on puttering whenever I have a little time, instead of crashing. I'll bet the difference in calories burned will add up, and I know the difference in my state of mind will be pretty huge, also.
Laziness
It's really weird that, after a zillion false starts, I haven't been able to lose this weight. I know what needs to be done. Fewer calories in, more calories out. Lower-glycemic eating. Exercise to build muscle mass so I burn more calories even when I'm sleeping. I've even learned to eat healthy food, and my fridge and cupboards are closer to vegan than any of my skinny friends will ever dream of.....
So what the HECK??!! Here's the thing (or ONE of the things): I'm LAZY. I have to face it, and today I really tried. Today, a sabbath day with no other priorities, I decided I would focus on overcoming the laziness. I woke up in a messy, dirty apartment (again), and spent most of the day nearly motionless (again); but this time, I observed it. I talked through it. I tried to understand this girl lying in bed, staring at TV shows she had zero interest in watching.
Around 5:00 p.m., I asked myself (out loud): "Why are you doing this? What is keeping you from moving? Why would you choose this laziness, on a day specifically set aside for nothing but to battle it?"
I tried to be honest in my answers (also out loud): "I'm afraid I'll get tired and overwhelmed. I'm a little depressed. I'm uncomfortable standing or even walking across my apartment."
And I tried to understand that I'm not bad. I tried to be kind to myself, like I would with anyone else struggling with something they hate: "I know it hurts a little to get up and get moving, but don't worry, you won't hurt yourself. It will be uncomfortable for awhile, but ultimately you'll be *more* comfortable, if you go through it. The depression will lift, too. And it doesn't have to be all-or-nothing. Just move a little, do something. No other expectation."
So I started. I put some dishes in the sink. I sat back down. Talked to myself some more and got back up. It went on like that for the rest of the evening. I didn't have any real goal in mind -- just do *something*.
Sometime early on, I came up with a word for what I was doing: "puttering." This is what people do (isn't it?). They just kinda do stuff. They just pick something up and put it away, wash the dishes that are in the sink, tidy up a shelf or whatever. They stop and start, and don't even think about making a big deal out of it. They putter.
So I stopped for awhile to do something else: I made a little sign that says "I (heart) Puttering!" and put it on my fridge. Dopey, I know...but it was another thing I did. No big deal.
To do stuff...at all. To do stuff without making a big deal... To do something just because it occurs to me to do it... This is all going to sound ridiculous to a lot of people who have lived it all their lives. I have spent so *many* years "stuck," it's a HUGE revelation to me. Life-changing!
So I'll try to walk in this, and after awhile I won't have to try very hard, and eventually it will be natural...and something else will be the new frontier.
Thank God for Sabbath.
So what the HECK??!! Here's the thing (or ONE of the things): I'm LAZY. I have to face it, and today I really tried. Today, a sabbath day with no other priorities, I decided I would focus on overcoming the laziness. I woke up in a messy, dirty apartment (again), and spent most of the day nearly motionless (again); but this time, I observed it. I talked through it. I tried to understand this girl lying in bed, staring at TV shows she had zero interest in watching.
Around 5:00 p.m., I asked myself (out loud): "Why are you doing this? What is keeping you from moving? Why would you choose this laziness, on a day specifically set aside for nothing but to battle it?"
I tried to be honest in my answers (also out loud): "I'm afraid I'll get tired and overwhelmed. I'm a little depressed. I'm uncomfortable standing or even walking across my apartment."
And I tried to understand that I'm not bad. I tried to be kind to myself, like I would with anyone else struggling with something they hate: "I know it hurts a little to get up and get moving, but don't worry, you won't hurt yourself. It will be uncomfortable for awhile, but ultimately you'll be *more* comfortable, if you go through it. The depression will lift, too. And it doesn't have to be all-or-nothing. Just move a little, do something. No other expectation."
So I started. I put some dishes in the sink. I sat back down. Talked to myself some more and got back up. It went on like that for the rest of the evening. I didn't have any real goal in mind -- just do *something*.
Sometime early on, I came up with a word for what I was doing: "puttering." This is what people do (isn't it?). They just kinda do stuff. They just pick something up and put it away, wash the dishes that are in the sink, tidy up a shelf or whatever. They stop and start, and don't even think about making a big deal out of it. They putter.
So I stopped for awhile to do something else: I made a little sign that says "I (heart) Puttering!" and put it on my fridge. Dopey, I know...but it was another thing I did. No big deal.
To do stuff...at all. To do stuff without making a big deal... To do something just because it occurs to me to do it... This is all going to sound ridiculous to a lot of people who have lived it all their lives. I have spent so *many* years "stuck," it's a HUGE revelation to me. Life-changing!
So I'll try to walk in this, and after awhile I won't have to try very hard, and eventually it will be natural...and something else will be the new frontier.
Thank God for Sabbath.
Time Warp...15 months later...
Amazing...I haven't written since November of 2007.
And I'm still basically the same weight: right around 385. Since I last posted, I dropped down to 370, but I'm back up.
So here we go again..............
I'll keep ya posted.
:) Lori
And I'm still basically the same weight: right around 385. Since I last posted, I dropped down to 370, but I'm back up.
So here we go again..............
I'll keep ya posted.
:) Lori
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