I am feeling borderline psychotic, right now.
I decluttered the couch this morning, so my bedroom is looking better. It's bedroom week in FlyLady world. I *thought* I was okay with the office waiting its turn...but in my hyper state (even after the Popcorn Incident I'm still jittery), I can't tolerate the mess.
I just cleaned out my purse *and* my backpack. Did *not* find the jump drive I thought was surely in one of them. It's not in the top drawer of my desk, either.
This is starting to look like an all-night desk and office declutter...but I'm borrowing Matt's car at 8:15 in the morning, so if I stay up all night doing this, will I be able to get up and do my morning routine?
I HATE it that these questions are still an issue for me, at the age of 48. Shouldn't I be winding down, about now? Shouldn't I be spending my evenings reading and my mornings in peaceful contemplation, just before heading over to an office that is set up just the way I need it, to do work I have been doing the same way for years?
Okay, enough "shouldn't I" talk.
What am I going to do TONIGHT?????
Since I have NO idea what I *should* do, I'm going to do what I *want* to do, which is to clean up this office. When I'm done, I'll figure out what I'm doing about tomorrow.
There ya have it. I'll check in later.
P.S. Remembered where I put the jump drive, so the scary-urgency thing is diminished...but not the jittery-urgency. Maybe that means I do the cleanup tonight, but not *all* night...
P.P.S. I can do some of this as part of my Evening Routine, without breaking any resolutions. Here's my decision: do just as much work as I need to, in order to run a report I promised for the India office, then start my Evening Routine and stretch the "launch pad and desk" and "declutter hot spots" items a little. That should get things tidied up enough that I don't feel like I'm going crazy. In my Evening Routine, I have an "update my calendar" item -- that will allow me to make decisions about how to get the Morning Routine stuff done. Whew. I think I'm gonna make it.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Failure?
Failure...? Or learning experience? I guess that depends on how I proceed from here.
It's Thursday. That means mandatory community dinner in the Christian community where I live. As 6:00 approached, I felt more and more pressure -- still feeling my engine revving, for whatever reason, and my brain going through the list of foods that would stop it from revving and give me some blessed, sedated relief. The #1 contender was a big bowl of popcorn with a bunch of olive oil and nutritional yeast. Good food, but not low-cal, and I knew I didn't have the calories left in my daily tally to swap it out for the spinach and tomato sautee I had planned for dinner.
Spinach and tomatoes, sauteed in olive oil and sprinkled with nutritional yeast, is pretty satisfying stuff and would probably have done the trick and calmed me a bit -- I initially decided to "stay the course," and headed into the kitchen to cook my dinner.
Problem: no clean pans. Last straw. I grabbed the popcorn pan (always on top of my stove), and in five minutes I was on the couch, stuffing oily popcorn into my mouth as fast as I could.
It worked. I felt better. Walked over to community dinner, not knowing exactly what I would do but hoping I would *not* end up with a piled-up plate of comfort food. Hoping...as if I didn't really have any control over it. Maybe a *little* more in-control than that sounds.
The room was just as crowded, noisy and chaotic as it always is. The menu was Sloppy Joes and potato chips. There was a table of fruit available, but it didn't look even a little bit appealing to me. One of my neighbors greeted me with bad news: Child Protective Services is contacting her because her son had a headache and told the school nurse it was because his mom had "hit him with a bowl." True -- but he didn't mention she was making dinner, turned suddenly and hit him accidentally.
I did my best to listen to my friend's troubles, looked around for a seat...and decided to bail. Probably best. Maybe by next week I'll be stronger, more normaled-out.
I've just adjusted my food diary online, and I'm still in weight-loss range, calorically (barely). I need to start fasting now anyway, for some lab tests tomorrow morning. I'm okay.
Maybe I need to make up some of this popcorn and store it in a big canister or something, doling it out a cup at a time as a snack...? Or maybe not yet. Not while I'm still tempted to eat large quantities of it.
One big lesson out of this: stay the course and see if the planned food does what's needed.
Another: don't tolerate situations where I think I need to break my food plan in order to carry on. Instead, make my health the highest priority, even if it means I fall short on some other commitments for awhile.
One more: I need to exercise more. I think it will even out the chemical changes, and will give me more "calorie space" when this stuff comes up.
The biggest lesson is yet to be learned as I live it out: Don't quit. Don't overreact. This isn't even really a failure, since I'm still within weight loss range today. Just do the next thing. :)
It's Thursday. That means mandatory community dinner in the Christian community where I live. As 6:00 approached, I felt more and more pressure -- still feeling my engine revving, for whatever reason, and my brain going through the list of foods that would stop it from revving and give me some blessed, sedated relief. The #1 contender was a big bowl of popcorn with a bunch of olive oil and nutritional yeast. Good food, but not low-cal, and I knew I didn't have the calories left in my daily tally to swap it out for the spinach and tomato sautee I had planned for dinner.
Spinach and tomatoes, sauteed in olive oil and sprinkled with nutritional yeast, is pretty satisfying stuff and would probably have done the trick and calmed me a bit -- I initially decided to "stay the course," and headed into the kitchen to cook my dinner.
Problem: no clean pans. Last straw. I grabbed the popcorn pan (always on top of my stove), and in five minutes I was on the couch, stuffing oily popcorn into my mouth as fast as I could.
It worked. I felt better. Walked over to community dinner, not knowing exactly what I would do but hoping I would *not* end up with a piled-up plate of comfort food. Hoping...as if I didn't really have any control over it. Maybe a *little* more in-control than that sounds.
The room was just as crowded, noisy and chaotic as it always is. The menu was Sloppy Joes and potato chips. There was a table of fruit available, but it didn't look even a little bit appealing to me. One of my neighbors greeted me with bad news: Child Protective Services is contacting her because her son had a headache and told the school nurse it was because his mom had "hit him with a bowl." True -- but he didn't mention she was making dinner, turned suddenly and hit him accidentally.
I did my best to listen to my friend's troubles, looked around for a seat...and decided to bail. Probably best. Maybe by next week I'll be stronger, more normaled-out.
I've just adjusted my food diary online, and I'm still in weight-loss range, calorically (barely). I need to start fasting now anyway, for some lab tests tomorrow morning. I'm okay.
Maybe I need to make up some of this popcorn and store it in a big canister or something, doling it out a cup at a time as a snack...? Or maybe not yet. Not while I'm still tempted to eat large quantities of it.
One big lesson out of this: stay the course and see if the planned food does what's needed.
Another: don't tolerate situations where I think I need to break my food plan in order to carry on. Instead, make my health the highest priority, even if it means I fall short on some other commitments for awhile.
One more: I need to exercise more. I think it will even out the chemical changes, and will give me more "calorie space" when this stuff comes up.
The biggest lesson is yet to be learned as I live it out: Don't quit. Don't overreact. This isn't even really a failure, since I'm still within weight loss range today. Just do the next thing. :)
Weird reactions
The first two days of Lent have brought an odd reaction from my body -- yesterday I was reluctant to move and exhausted by the end of the day. Today I am so hyper I just now had to lay down and do some deep breathing to keep my brain from racing away. Felt like I was going to spin right up into the air. Weird.
I don't *think* it's caffeine. I've been doing a lot of caffeine, for a long time, now. I don't think it's sugar -- I haven't had anything high-glycemic for the past two days. I think it's just my body chemistry trying to adjust. Yesterday it made for a very low-productive day at work, and today I was *very* productive, until my brain threatened to run away from home. Hoping to get more done tonight.
If you're praying for me, pray that my metabolism or whatever will even out and I can feel more normal! Still, it isn't entirely unpleasant -- any change is a good change, at this point.
Another observation: I've always known that I tended to need long transition periods between activities, but now that I'm trying to get several new things done each day it's becoming really obvious. True to FlyLady's system, I'm setting a timer for routine activities. My morning routine (which includes a daily mini-Sabbath and some time for creative stuff) adds up to three hours, but the past two mornings I have started out every day an hour behind. That extra hour seems to be entirely taken up with "staring at a wall" (or staring at a TV). The activities themselves don't take longer than they're scheduled -- the transitions are what's killin' me.
In other words, I need to develop the skill of moving smoothly and without resistance from one activity to another. I kinda knew that, but I didn't realize how important it would be to develop that skill. Something else to pray about!
I don't *think* it's caffeine. I've been doing a lot of caffeine, for a long time, now. I don't think it's sugar -- I haven't had anything high-glycemic for the past two days. I think it's just my body chemistry trying to adjust. Yesterday it made for a very low-productive day at work, and today I was *very* productive, until my brain threatened to run away from home. Hoping to get more done tonight.
If you're praying for me, pray that my metabolism or whatever will even out and I can feel more normal! Still, it isn't entirely unpleasant -- any change is a good change, at this point.
Another observation: I've always known that I tended to need long transition periods between activities, but now that I'm trying to get several new things done each day it's becoming really obvious. True to FlyLady's system, I'm setting a timer for routine activities. My morning routine (which includes a daily mini-Sabbath and some time for creative stuff) adds up to three hours, but the past two mornings I have started out every day an hour behind. That extra hour seems to be entirely taken up with "staring at a wall" (or staring at a TV). The activities themselves don't take longer than they're scheduled -- the transitions are what's killin' me.
In other words, I need to develop the skill of moving smoothly and without resistance from one activity to another. I kinda knew that, but I didn't realize how important it would be to develop that skill. Something else to pray about!
Day 2
Again today I read a little in _SubMerge_ during my mini-Sabbath. Here's the thought that came out of it, one I really need to hold in my heart for awhile:
I want to LOVE, not just ENJOY the people I live with. There's a big difference. I really enjoy my life here at Joshua Station. I enjoy the beautiful little things that happen, the children who come to my door and the moments I spend tutoring or making jewelry with my neighbors, or driving them to the grocery store.
But if I really *love* little Maria, I'll think about her when she's *not* at my door. I'll remember that she had a bad day at school yesterday and maybe I'll call to see if today was any better. I'll pray for her. If I really *love* my friend Amanda, I'll initiate time with her when I have other things to do. I'll play games with her. I'll feel a little empty when I *haven't* had time with her.
I think maybe I can develop some of this through practice -- remembering daily that this is what I want to do and who I want to be. A lot of it, however, will have to come directly through the Spirit of God, so I'm praying he'll work it in me.
I vaguely remember...maybe *not* so vaguely...being afraid of this kind of thing, but I don't feel afraid any more. A tiny little wave of overwhelmediness (my own word -- thank you!) rises up, but it's quickly stemmed by memories of God's faithfulness to me. I remember that God has *commanded* me to take a Sabbath rest each week, and I remember what I learned only yesterday: I am not to give my life TO the Kingdom. I am to live my life IN ministry.
Life in the Beautiful Kingdom is just this way: we love each other. We are not isolated, looking out our windows to merely enjoy the view. We step outdoors and greet each other, invite each other in, feed and clothe each other. We live together.
I want to LOVE, not just ENJOY the people I live with. There's a big difference. I really enjoy my life here at Joshua Station. I enjoy the beautiful little things that happen, the children who come to my door and the moments I spend tutoring or making jewelry with my neighbors, or driving them to the grocery store.
But if I really *love* little Maria, I'll think about her when she's *not* at my door. I'll remember that she had a bad day at school yesterday and maybe I'll call to see if today was any better. I'll pray for her. If I really *love* my friend Amanda, I'll initiate time with her when I have other things to do. I'll play games with her. I'll feel a little empty when I *haven't* had time with her.
I think maybe I can develop some of this through practice -- remembering daily that this is what I want to do and who I want to be. A lot of it, however, will have to come directly through the Spirit of God, so I'm praying he'll work it in me.
I vaguely remember...maybe *not* so vaguely...being afraid of this kind of thing, but I don't feel afraid any more. A tiny little wave of overwhelmediness (my own word -- thank you!) rises up, but it's quickly stemmed by memories of God's faithfulness to me. I remember that God has *commanded* me to take a Sabbath rest each week, and I remember what I learned only yesterday: I am not to give my life TO the Kingdom. I am to live my life IN ministry.
Life in the Beautiful Kingdom is just this way: we love each other. We are not isolated, looking out our windows to merely enjoy the view. We step outdoors and greet each other, invite each other in, feed and clothe each other. We live together.
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