Tonight I made a stupid mistake. It wasn't a big mistake, and it wasn't intentional, and it *probably* wasn't selfishly motivated (entirely), but it did hurt someone and I feel terrible about it.
Many questions arise: Why do I feel terrible? Because I got caught being stupid? Yes. Because someone got hurt? Yes. Why am I so scared? Because I'm afraid this incident will create distance between a ministry partner and myself? Yes.
But mostly, I'm scared because I let my guard down, did something without thinking, and opened myself up to complete responsibility and accountability for being really, truly stupid. It can't say good things about me that when I act without thinking, I act like such an idiot.
It seems I've spent a lot of time and energy crafting what people think of me -- the impression I give of my intelligence, my heart and my motives. I'm quite a poet at it, really.
But lately all of my crap hasn't been working, so I'm taking the hint -- God doesn't want me operating that way. Tonight I found out just how thin the shell really is: without it, with only moment-by-moment actions and reactions in my arsenal, I'm an idiot.
I see what's happening here. This is what sorry feels like.
I'm sorry.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
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