What next?

Okay, the bed is made. That makes me want to take a shower and brush my teeth before bed...progress on the hygiene front! Can't believe I'm putting this out on the Internet...but it *is* kinda new for me to do anything about personal care before bed. I tend to reserve all that for the morning...when I'm getting ready to see other people, not for my own comfort. Do we see a pattern evolving, here?

What do I want for tomorrow, then? I would really like to go back to doing my morning and evening routines -- haven't actually done both in one day, yet. I also have plans to go swimming, and an appointment with a Joshua Station teenager's school to make arrangements for getting her caught up in school. That is all stuff I want to do.

Regarding work: I want to get caught up with the web page progress, then get as caught up as possible with donor communication. Last week was pretty slammed with one big project, so all of that slid to the side.

Just looking back at the list. Yes, that is all me. Nothing there that comes purely from outside pressure, shame, guilt, etc. The work goals, of course, are prioritized by what needs to be done, but since I love my work and really want the priorities fulfilled, there is no conflict.

If this seems odd to read, I'm not surprised. It feels odd to write. A pendulum swing -- for so long I've been so far OUT of the "I want to..." thing, that now I'm checking *all* my motivations.

I know, of course, that sometimes I have to do things I don't want to do. It's really complex, too complex to explain, but hat doesn't keep it from swirling around in my head. Do I really *want* to work? Yes, I really do. Should I do it even if I *don't* want to? Yes, of course -- they pay me! How does that all work with my current psychosis? :) Maybe on some points I only need to ask "Do I want this?" at a very high level -- "Is this the job I really want?" (Yes.) On the smaller points, the question becomes more like, "What do I believe needs to be done next, separate from what any particular person might think of me?"

I believe that there will come a time when it all kinda flows around and makes sense. Until then, there's really no other way to proceed than decision by decision.

I'm grateful for the routines I have written out -- that saves a lot of decisions each day. Again, it's a higher-level decision: "Do I really believe in these routines?" (Yes, but I'm open to adjusting them, and some may need to be added to.)

Built into the routines, also, are some smaller decisions. For example: decluttering and hot spot work. Tomorrow, the decluttering I want to do is taking out trash. The hot spot work would be my desk.

One more thing, regarding nutrition. I think the most important thing, right now, is to drink enough water. I am convinced that dehydration makes everything worse -- blood pressure, diabetes, cholesterol -- and that drinking more water makes me feel better almost instantly, and that it helps me to eat less. So: 200 ounces of water a day (a little more than half my weight in ounces).

Good night. I hope I'm a little more sane tomorrow -- but I'm not holding my breath.

This goes deeper than I thought.

Haven't posted for three weeks. I've been pretty confused.

I have tried, during this season, to eliminate all distractions from achieving my goals. As I've gone along, however, it seems more and more that what I'm really trying to do is to sort out all the voices in my head. Now I think I'm mostly trying to figure out who I really am and what I really want.

Lately I've hit some pretty bad stretches of depression. See, the more I force out the other voices (family, friends, "ministry" concerns, all the "shoulds"), the more it seems that there's nothing else. Nothing at all.

My apartment is messier than ever, I barely care about getting dressed in the morning, I'm gaining weight (that's what happens when you eat crap and are nearly motionless a lot of the time), and my mind doesn't even seem to be working right. My memory's bad, I can't prioritize, and absolutely EVERYTHING overwhelms me. I'm talkin' about...putting on my shoes overwhelms me. Everything.

I feel ridiculous. Embarassed. Scared that it won't get any better because there doesn't seem to be anything driving improvement. But I don't want to go backward. I really have to go forward on this path, or no change will ever be deep or permanent.

So here goes. What do I want? What do I really want?

I could say that I want a clean apartment, but that's almost too big, and it also opens the door to all the reasons why I *should* have a clean apartment. No good. Won't work. I have proof: the plan was to spend the entire day yesterday cleaning, so I could have a blissful Sabbath. Did not happen. 48 hours later, I haven't picked up a single thing. Totally frozen up. Man, I'm a mess.

Okay, enough of that. What do I want?

I would like to sleep in a made-up bed. Washed the sheets on Friday (was it last Friday, or the week before?), never put them back on the bed. Going now to do that.