Heath Journal: March 11-??

March 11
Evening blood sugar: 207
The intention is to do a Whole30, then do a *real* reintroduction phase.  I also want to start adding some gentle exercise.  I have a doctor's appointment in about four weeks (April 7), which is motivating.  I hate to go to the doctor when nothing is really different.

How I'm feeling right now:  bloated, achy.  Definitely symptoms of inflammation.  Skin is dry and even cracking in a few spots.  I have those weird scabby spots on my back and upper arms that went away completely when I did Whole30 last time.

Emotionally, I'm numb and disinterested -- depressed, I guess.  Having a hard time motivating to do anything.  I've taken two days off just because I felt I needed a break, and that means I won't have any income next week after the car cost comes out of my Lyft earnings.  In fact, I'll probably end up paying about $50.

What I'm longing for -- a tidy, simple home, organized and thriving work, some beauty and some joy.  Honestly, nothing has changed but the food, so I really think that's at the center of all the issues.  Driving makes it hard to eat well (but not impossible -- I've actually pulled it off a couple of days!).  I've been living on drive-through food that I hate on so many different levels.

Tomorrow I'll start taking my weight and blood sugar measurements in the morning.  I'd also like to push myself to do my weekend routine, even if I have to do it rrrrrrreeeeeaaaaaalllllllyyyyyy slowly, just to start some positive momentum.

UPDATE 12/28/17.  Same.  Except I'm not driving anymore, so I'm not doing drive-through food so much, but the holiday feasting and in-between nibbling and snacking has me feeling really sick and sluggish and not like myself at all. Willing to be productive, but not able, except to knit.  So I've done a lot of knitting, lately!

Stay tuned.  Something could be changing.

UPDATE 11/4/18.  Oh, good grief. A year later, and everything is the same, except my blood sugar has more than doubled.   Most days I start out at 300-some, and at some point my sugar actually goes over 500.  Yes, that's dangerous. Onward...dammit.

Grace

My word for today, for myself, is "grace."  The Beast In My Brain hates grace.  The Beast is much more into the word "should."  

"Should" is just confusing.  When I'm tired and I need exercise and my bank account is low and my apartment is a mess...what in the world "should" come first?  The Beast loves confusion -- confusion is its favorite food.

On an internal level, it occurs to me that grace and confusion are actually opposites.  Confusion says I I have to do everything, all at once.  It only offers pressure, and no help whatsoever in sorting it all out.  

Grace tells me I don't have to do anything at all.  It gives me all the time I need to decide what to do, whenever I'm ready.

I live in the Kingdom of Heaven, so I float in a sea of grace.  I don't have to do anything at all.  I am loved.  I am free.  There are only opportunities, not obligations.

Grace is God's attitude toward us -- always.  We can look into God's face without fear because it always reflects a deep understanding of us and a deep acceptance.  We don't have to do anything to earn any of it.  

The pressure is relieved, and the paralysis melts away, leaving only the "broad place"  David speaks of in Samuel 22:19-20:

    19“They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
            But the LORD was my support.

      20“He also brought me forth into a broad place;

            He rescued me, because He delighted in me.

He delights in us.  Breathe.  Just breathe.  

Here Goes Nothing

Something's gotta give.  My health and my work and my personal world are battling for attention, and none of them are winning.

So I'm going to start...something, but I'm going to have to act like it's nothing, or that weird beast that lives in my brain will freak out and ruin everything.

It's just going to have to be daily, hourly, minute-by-minute stuff, and I hope it's going to take the shape of something I read (and wrote) eight years ago: HERE.

Instead of posting it in order to somehow force myself to actually do it (which of course ALWAYS works GREAT), I think I'll just journal it.  Gently.  So the beast in my brain doesn't catch on.

Here goes.