My Why

I've just started reading Jen Hatmaker's new book, For the Love.  I really enjoy her style, and I was totally thinking we should be BFFs, until I read the Introduction to the book.

In it she talks about her "why."  The reason she writes, the reason she does just about anything in her life.

She does it because of people.  She wants people to be happy and well.  She genuinely cares about everyone around her, and everything she does is informed by that desire.

That made my heart sink, like it does every time I hear someone talking like that.  Because...you know what?  I don't feel that way.  And I work with children.  Underpriveleged children.  Underpriveleged, poor, mostly-brown little children.  Six year olds.

Why doesn't my heart bleed for the children?  Why don't I toss and turn at night, like my friend Brandi does, and spend hours like she does praying and crying over each of the children in her villages in Uganda -- by name??  How can I be so certain that I'm called to this work, and so able to walk away at the end of the day and go home to my cat without any tears at all?

I'm getting over the idea that I'm not good enough, that the real me isn't okay, so instead of getting shameful over this I've started thinking about my *own* "why."  Why DO I do this, if it isn't anguish over hurting kids?

Well, first of all, of  *course* I care about the kids.  But that's not what makes me cry -- with joy or longing.  You know what does?  The Kingdom of Heaven.  "Oh, Lord, I love your ways."  My heart beats for love to be the motivation for our actions, for forgiveness to be radical and complete.  My heart overflows with joy when I see people from diverse backgrounds coming together to do something good.  I want to make things better.  I want to make things better through the power of love.  I want to make things better God's way.

It feels like a fairy tale to me when God's Kingdom is expressed on earth.  It makes me want to dance.  And I will do just about anything to see that happen!  I will talk for hours with someone trying to give grace to someone who hurt them.  I will give stuff away in defiance of worry or greed, even to a ridiculous point.  And then I'll stand back, breathless, and wonder at God's ways and how they WORK!!

Beauty.  Simplicity.  The very best meaning of "holiness."  These things inspire and motivate me.  And yes...I want them for other people.  So I guess I care about people after all!