Giving myself the life I dream of

Okay, so I've been writing a little about how it's nice allow myself to withhold myself from others...but now I'm faced with the weird syndrome where, if I'm not required to do anything else, I seem to just disappear. I can spend a whole day, or even a week or more, watching television I don't really enjoy, occasionally eating something, maybe dreaming a little about how I want my life to be -- and doing absolutely nothing else.

Today is one of those days. Yesterday I took a legitimate rest-up day. Slept late, watched a movie or two, called up a friend and went to a movie, came home and napped, and then watched some more TV. I had worked hard all week, and this is what I really needed.

Today is different, though. It's nearly 5:00 pm, and I've been in that "invisible" place. I guess on some level I believe there will be a sudden breakthrough -- an "ahah!" moment when I suddenly "get it" and jump up, full of vision and energy. Not gonna happen.

The only way out this is NOT to think about it. I have to act. Why does that make fear rise up? I don't know -- might be afraid that I'll o the wrong direction, or I'll get tired or halfway through something and unable to finish. I know there are some things from my past that I can trace the fear back to...but none of it matters.

Thinking is not the way out. There is never going to be a breakthrough from thinking. And I don't want to be alive only when other people need me to be. I want to act, to build something beautiful. I want my home and my appearance and my activities (not just my work) to be a beautiful expression of the person God created when he created me.

No more thinking. I know what to do. I've already had all the "ahah!" moments I need to have.

The rest of the day/evening, I'll be creating beauty in my home. It's pretty ugly right now, but definitely not the worst it's ever been. This will be fun.

Ready, get set...go.

Another piece?

Maybe it's not about withholding myself (or not ONLY about that)...because I'm also finding it a relief not to expect anything of others, either.

Maybe it's about finding my center within myself instead of in someone else (or lots of people, or people in general), or even somewhere in between.

I'm looking forward to giving myself away because I *choose* to...

Freedom to withhold

Something to think/write about at more length after I've thought about it a little more. As I'm spending time alone lately, and I've told everyone I'm going to be "in my cocoon" for awhile -- I wonder why it feels so right.

Part of it is the ability to focus on what I really want to do. But there's another piece -- the freedom to withhold myself. I need to learn how to say, "You can't have me, on any level, right now. I belong to me, and I'm just not available." I don't know why that feels so important, so central to getting healed up -- but it really does.

Hm.