Fell off the wagon today. Big ol' Domino's sandwich and wings for dinner. I was SO hungry -- and that seemed to help it digest quickly, which is good, but it made me realize that these things don't "just happen." I have a lot of new habits to build.
For one thing, evenings need to be relaxed and easy -- not work time, just take-care-of-me time. And the other thing -- I MUST be prepared. I cannot yet "wing" this stuff.
So -- after resting and digesting for an hour or so -- I pulled out the sewing machine and did some mending...on the desk I stayed up late to clean, last night, yeay! Put away the sewing machine as soon as I was done, pulled out the computer and planned my food, starting with lunch out with my friend Suman, tomorrow.
I could already feel the doubt and tension around breakfast and dinner -- would I *really* take time to chop up the apples for the oatmeal at breakfast and cut up the fruit for the smoothie at dinner? I could feel the failure around the edges of the day, trying to get in. I have to get breakfast and dinner right tomorrow, because even the salad I have planned for lunch is 853 calories!
New trick: cut up the apples, put them in the oatmeal pan and added water. Tomorrow morning I'll just have to take the pan out of the fridge, put it on the stove and add oatmeal. Got out the pear, mango and orange for the smoothie, cut them up and put them in a container in the fridge. Whirrr those babies with some water, snag the pecans out of the cupboard, and I'll have a good working dinner tomorrow night.
Tomorrow's new trick? Getting in the exercise! After lunch, Suman's going to drop me at the pool.
And I do have to get in a full six hours of work tomorrow, so I'll have to come home after swimming. I have plans to walk over to Taize worship at St. Paul's tomorrow -- we'll see if that's possible.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Making it easy for myself
Another thought -- a little brighter and easier:
The highest priority in my life, right now, is to lose this weight. And the thing that most deters me is when things start to feel hard. And it seems to be a defect of my character that things really easily begin to feel hard. It's the fear -- that's the ultimate enemy, and I've known it for years, really.
For the last few days, I've essentially told myself that I didn't have to do anything but stay under 2000 calories. Nothing else had to happen -- just that. Of course, I can't live that way forever, and that's why I'm feeling paralyzed tonight.
So -- the next priority is this: make things easy on myself. This is my fifth day of "sobriety" (defined as 2000 calories or less). If I want to have a sixth day, and I'm going to get anything else done, I have to fight off the fear. And until I can conquer the fear, I have to make it easy for myself -- so there's nothing to fear.
At this point I'm certain that no one is still reading, so this is just for me: what will it take to make tomorrow easy for myself?
1) Clean clothes.
2) Food planned and prepped.
3) Work week planned, and if I can get the work space organized that would be a bonus.
That means that cleaning the kitchen drops off the priority list, which takes some pressure off.
Also -- this week I need to add exercise. Making that easy tomorrow just means carrying my swim bag with me, and going to Washington Park because I'm used to going there, instead of going to Glenarm, even though it's closer.
Otay. I feel a little better. It will be interesting to read these blog posts later, when I'm a little less psycho.
The highest priority in my life, right now, is to lose this weight. And the thing that most deters me is when things start to feel hard. And it seems to be a defect of my character that things really easily begin to feel hard. It's the fear -- that's the ultimate enemy, and I've known it for years, really.
For the last few days, I've essentially told myself that I didn't have to do anything but stay under 2000 calories. Nothing else had to happen -- just that. Of course, I can't live that way forever, and that's why I'm feeling paralyzed tonight.
So -- the next priority is this: make things easy on myself. This is my fifth day of "sobriety" (defined as 2000 calories or less). If I want to have a sixth day, and I'm going to get anything else done, I have to fight off the fear. And until I can conquer the fear, I have to make it easy for myself -- so there's nothing to fear.
At this point I'm certain that no one is still reading, so this is just for me: what will it take to make tomorrow easy for myself?
1) Clean clothes.
2) Food planned and prepped.
3) Work week planned, and if I can get the work space organized that would be a bonus.
That means that cleaning the kitchen drops off the priority list, which takes some pressure off.
Also -- this week I need to add exercise. Making that easy tomorrow just means carrying my swim bag with me, and going to Washington Park because I'm used to going there, instead of going to Glenarm, even though it's closer.
Otay. I feel a little better. It will be interesting to read these blog posts later, when I'm a little less psycho.
Finding a new way through
I get paralyzed. Not physically...but almost. My brain locks up and moving in any direction becomes absolutely terrifying. I'm there right now, though it's not the worst case I've ever had.
It's all about fear. Fear that I'll fail. Fear that it will hurt. Fear that I won't get everything done that needs to be done, and tomorrow will find things more messed up than ever.
It results in a mess. My home is a mess -- too messy to fix good things for me to eat, and I don't know what I'll wear tomorrow because I have no clean clothes. My work space is a mess -- too messy to get work done as effectively as I'd like, and there's no way I can do the sewing and other crafty stuff I'd like to do. My time is a mess -- I would love to be at church right now, but instead I'm sitting where I've been sitting for the past four hours, still thinking about what the first move should be, when I could have had a bunch of stuff done by now. Someday it would be nice to spend Sunday NOT trying to make myself do essential stuff...maybe doing some of that fun, creative, crafty stuff and then going to church!
I know the answer. Do something. Anything. It *will* hurt. Everything hurts, at this weight. I *will* fail. I will drop things and find it difficult to pick them up . Some of those things might break, and I'll have to sweep them up. I will have to stop frequently because my back hurts. I will even get paralyzed again and have to fight through it again.
BUT -- tomorrow things will NOT be more messed up than ever. They will be better. At least a little better, *if* I do something.
Also: eating does not help. How have I continued to believe that lie for all these years? Every stinkin' time, I really think that it will be better if I eat a big, greasy bowl of popcorn (or a pint of ice cream, or whatever) -- because THAT will make me feel like rolling up my sleeves and getting to work.
IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. SOMETIMES HAS, BUT ALMOST NEVER. All it does is buys me a little time not to think about it.
IT'S NOT THAT BAD. It's some dishes in the sink and a load of laundry. And a messy desk and some shelves that need cleaning up.
SOME OF IT WILL ACTUALLY BE FUN. I've been collecting boxes to organize these shelves. It will be fun to use them!
IT WILL OPEN THE DOOR TO MORE FUN AND ENJOYMENT OF LIFE, when it's done.
Whatever. Just do something. Okay, bye.
It's all about fear. Fear that I'll fail. Fear that it will hurt. Fear that I won't get everything done that needs to be done, and tomorrow will find things more messed up than ever.
It results in a mess. My home is a mess -- too messy to fix good things for me to eat, and I don't know what I'll wear tomorrow because I have no clean clothes. My work space is a mess -- too messy to get work done as effectively as I'd like, and there's no way I can do the sewing and other crafty stuff I'd like to do. My time is a mess -- I would love to be at church right now, but instead I'm sitting where I've been sitting for the past four hours, still thinking about what the first move should be, when I could have had a bunch of stuff done by now. Someday it would be nice to spend Sunday NOT trying to make myself do essential stuff...maybe doing some of that fun, creative, crafty stuff and then going to church!
I know the answer. Do something. Anything. It *will* hurt. Everything hurts, at this weight. I *will* fail. I will drop things and find it difficult to pick them up . Some of those things might break, and I'll have to sweep them up. I will have to stop frequently because my back hurts. I will even get paralyzed again and have to fight through it again.
BUT -- tomorrow things will NOT be more messed up than ever. They will be better. At least a little better, *if* I do something.
Also: eating does not help. How have I continued to believe that lie for all these years? Every stinkin' time, I really think that it will be better if I eat a big, greasy bowl of popcorn (or a pint of ice cream, or whatever) -- because THAT will make me feel like rolling up my sleeves and getting to work.
IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. SOMETIMES HAS, BUT ALMOST NEVER. All it does is buys me a little time not to think about it.
IT'S NOT THAT BAD. It's some dishes in the sink and a load of laundry. And a messy desk and some shelves that need cleaning up.
SOME OF IT WILL ACTUALLY BE FUN. I've been collecting boxes to organize these shelves. It will be fun to use them!
IT WILL OPEN THE DOOR TO MORE FUN AND ENJOYMENT OF LIFE, when it's done.
Whatever. Just do something. Okay, bye.
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