I get paralyzed. Not physically...but almost. My brain locks up and moving in any direction becomes absolutely terrifying. I'm there right now, though it's not the worst case I've ever had.
It's all about fear. Fear that I'll fail. Fear that it will hurt. Fear that I won't get everything done that needs to be done, and tomorrow will find things more messed up than ever.
It results in a mess. My home is a mess -- too messy to fix good things for me to eat, and I don't know what I'll wear tomorrow because I have no clean clothes. My work space is a mess -- too messy to get work done as effectively as I'd like, and there's no way I can do the sewing and other crafty stuff I'd like to do. My time is a mess -- I would love to be at church right now, but instead I'm sitting where I've been sitting for the past four hours, still thinking about what the first move should be, when I could have had a bunch of stuff done by now. Someday it would be nice to spend Sunday NOT trying to make myself do essential stuff...maybe doing some of that fun, creative, crafty stuff and then going to church!
I know the answer. Do something. Anything. It *will* hurt. Everything hurts, at this weight. I *will* fail. I will drop things and find it difficult to pick them up . Some of those things might break, and I'll have to sweep them up. I will have to stop frequently because my back hurts. I will even get paralyzed again and have to fight through it again.
BUT -- tomorrow things will NOT be more messed up than ever. They will be better. At least a little better, *if* I do something.
Also: eating does not help. How have I continued to believe that lie for all these years? Every stinkin' time, I really think that it will be better if I eat a big, greasy bowl of popcorn (or a pint of ice cream, or whatever) -- because THAT will make me feel like rolling up my sleeves and getting to work.
IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. SOMETIMES HAS, BUT ALMOST NEVER. All it does is buys me a little time not to think about it.
IT'S NOT THAT BAD. It's some dishes in the sink and a load of laundry. And a messy desk and some shelves that need cleaning up.
SOME OF IT WILL ACTUALLY BE FUN. I've been collecting boxes to organize these shelves. It will be fun to use them!
IT WILL OPEN THE DOOR TO MORE FUN AND ENJOYMENT OF LIFE, when it's done.
Whatever. Just do something. Okay, bye.
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Lori,
ReplyDeleteSo, I came across your blog from the link announcing you as a winner of the Don Miller contest. I read through some of your other posts the other day. I have thought of some of the things you wrote about the last few days. Mostly because I relate to some of it. Mostly because when reading it I thought, "hey, I'm not the only one who struggles w/this paralyzing feeling that keeps me from getting up and going." I just started reading a book, and though I am only about 15 pages in, I can tell that this book is going to be very enlightening, thought-provoking, and enriching for me. I just read something that made something in my life really come to life. Then I thought of you because you have also expressed going through this. It's the paralyzing fear and how we tend to succumb to it.
The book is "The Healing Path" by Dan B Allender. It starts out talking about how we all have tendencies to handle suffering and sorrow in particular ways. He breaks this down into 4 types of people. At the end of that he begins to generally speak of how suffering can be embraced in a healthy manner, or handled in a dysfunctional manner. This is the paragraph that brought the "paralyzing" to mind:
"How we deal with loss and suffering will mostly depend on our ability to see what painful events do to our hearts. If we refuse to face the damage, the dysfunctional patterns set in motion to handle it will continue to exacerbate the wound. Like a broken arm that is not properly set, it may fuse and heal improperly. We may learn to adapt to the way the fissures set, but it is unlikely to provide us with the optimum opportunity to live the way we were meant to live."
Forgive me if I am completely off and this doesn't apply to you whatsoever. I just had an epiphany for myself as I thought of how I tend to get paralyzed, which usually results in me lying down and sleeping. I hate it that I do this. I don't want to do it. But I continue to do it, and continue putting off important things in my life every time I do. Then I am hard on myself, and often full of self-contempt. Then the vicious cycle just continues full circle. I have wondered for some time what is at the root of this sleeping? I have decided it is some sort of coping method I have adapted, but why? In reading this entry I thought, heck, perhaps it is the "improper healing" of loss and suffering from some point in my past.
That's as far as I have gotten. I'm going to have to really let this all sink in and think back to when this coping method actually began. I just wondered if perhaps this is where your paralyzing fear comes from as well? I have this belief that when I get to the root of why I do the things I do, I gain a new awareness, and as my eyes are opened, the overcoming of those things begin. I don't know you, so I can't say. I just know this revelation was enlightening to me, and I felt the urge to share it with you.
Thank you for sharing yourself so honestly!