I'm scared, all the time. It has taken a lot of time, reflecting on why I'm stuck, what I'm feeling, to realize that. I'm scared to try. Scared to fail. Scared even to care, about anything or anyone.
There are reasons. But I want to stop being scared, now, because the result of all the fear is that I've hardened into a lump that can't move, can't create, can't love well.
What's needed, I think, is enough experiences where I did what was scaring me...and it all turned out fine. Joy after the fear would be even better. But how will I get to that critical number -- the tipping point -- when I'm too scared to move?
Well...I'm going to have to move, of course. But I won't be able at least at first, to do anything quickly, or gracefully, or even correctly. So here's to moving slowly...walking haltingly...feeling scared to death the whole time.
Anything worth doing is worth doing badly. Deep breath....and.....5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
November 4, 2018, mid-day. Weight 361.0 . Blood sugar 330.
Sunday, November 4, 2018
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