I Am Not Enough, and I Am Too Much

So I'm clearing out a bunch of stuff, and in the process I ran across some pages torn out of old notebooks.  This is stuff I didn't want to throw out (when I threw out the notebooks), but I don't want it floating around my desk, apartment, etc...so this is where I'll keep it.

When I start to get healthy, all my strengths surface -- terrifyingly.

I start to think big thoughts, to dream big dreams, to have things to say, wrongs to confront...books to write...

And then I realize that to fully realize any of those big, beautiful things in me will take a LOT of risk.  It won't be safe.  People will oppose.  It will take work -- research, late nights, hard labor -- and I might even be wrong.

And...all that work, I fear, will exhaust me.  I'll only fall back into my dormant state of disease and depression -- and the work won't get done anyway, so why bother?

So I squelch it.  Usually by accelerating the cycle and crashing as quickly as possible. Dormancy is a lot more comfortable than action.

That's what has to change -- I have to decide I'd rather live in action than dormancy.

What will that take?  Courage.  Tears.  Conviction.  Rest (strategic rest -- Sabbath plus!)  Certainty.  Study.  Prayer.

The Double-Edged Sword of Judgment

So I'm clearing out a bunch of stuff, and in the process I ran across some pages torn out of old notebooks.  This is stuff I didn't want to throw out (when I threw out the notebooks), but I don't want it floating around my desk, apartment, etc...so this is where I'll keep it.

This one is from some notes on a book I might write sometime...maybe...
*****************************************
Ooh, such a Christiany title for a chapter!  I'm kinda hoping it won't make you put down the book if you're reading the contents page in the store.

Hidden awesomeness...my dad's influence...in my adult life, I knew I had it.

"God thinks you're beautiful."
" I know.  But does anyone else know it?"

I thought, i guess, that I was the only one -- or one of the very few, rare ones -- with hidden awesomeness.  Other people were awesome, but they wore all their awesomeness on the outside.  I envied them.

...End by encouraging others the way my dad encouraged me, about their awesomeness.  And then get Christiany again and give scripture...

Observations at lunch time in a bank lobby

So I'm clearing out a bunch of stuff, and in the process I ran across some pages torn out of old notebooks.  This is stuff I didn't want to throw out (when I threw out the notebooks), but I don't want it floating around my desk, apartment, etc...so this is where I'll keep it.

As I write this, I'm sitting in a busy lobby of a downtown bank lobby.  It's noon, so there's quite the flow of people on and off of elevators and walking across to the front doors to find lunch outside.

-- Young man, balding, clinging to the last hairs on the front part of his head.  Leaning on one foot, away from the people he's talking to, even as he asks polite questions:

"How's your son?  Playing football?  Bowling 'em over?"  Hoping for short answers.  Not fully "there," not sure how to integrate the other guy he's going to lunch with.

-- Very large woman, perfect candidate for The Biggest Loser, at least 300 pounds...and beautiful.  Long, blonde ponytail.  Comfortable, attractive blouse, pedal pushers, ankle bracelet.

What's it like, being either of them?  What is their internal life like?  Their relationships?

"We must not judge our insides by other people's outsides."

Cherry Creek / people downtown / from the burbs...always look so scared.  It translates as judgement -- but what is it really?  Who were they as children and teens?  Are they living the adventure they dreamed of?