Fears that sound ridiculous...out loud...

1) There won't be anyone waiting for me at the other end of this journey. The people who know me now won't like the new me, and the reason I got this way in the first place is no one liked me before...how can I know anyone will like me then?

How it feels to start

I want to acknowledge it. As I'm running the hot soapy water in the sink for the dishes, I can actually feel the depression: in my forehead, in my shoulders, in my arms. I believe that if I keep going, it will fall off. I do wonder if there's a spiritual warfare component -- ready for that if there is.

Joy. That's the answer. "Rejoice in the Lord always...again, I say, rejoice." That's a command, if ever I heard one. The chick on The Ellen Show today who got a new car -- she didn't have to be told to rejoice. Apparently, however, we are to rejoice even when it's not automatic.

It makes sense to me, given what I'm struggling through right now. I have a really good life. If I were asked to write out my ideal life I would write out exactly what I have (minus the health problems, the messy apartment, the disorganization). What I don't have is joy.

I can visualize it, I can imagine it, I can dream it, I can plan for it...and when I finally get ready to go, ready to get off the couch and go for it...I meet my first challenge. Getting off the couch. It hurts.

Everything hurts. Everything is uncomfortable. When I start to try to live the life I imagine, it doesn't feel like I'd imagined. It feels like trying to live the life I imagine with 200 pounds packed inside and outside of me.

So I have a choice, here -- I can try anyway, fail some and hurt a lot...or I can quit. Quitting is a real option -- I might even get famous for living naked in my bed for a few years before I die. Even if I don't go out that spectacularly (?) I could probably get by, maybe have some happiness. I think that's what a lot of people in my position end up doing. So it really is an option.

I don't want that option, of course. So I'm going to have to do something else. It is *not* an option to begin right now feeling light and happy and energetic. I'm going to have to find joy *before* I get there.

I'm going to have to find paths to joy that can coexist with the pain and the discomfort. I'm going to have to find joy in small successes, and get my eyes off of all the work that is yet to be done. I think for me that's going to mean doing "small things with great love," which may mean that I look a little silly.

Yesterday I did something that fits this idea -- I opened up a box of decorated mason jars and put away the stuff on my counter, enjoying the feeling of doing it in a beautiful way. It's not the fastest way to get my kitchen counter clean (I could have put the plastic bags into the cabinet), but it made me feel good. It made me feel like I was creating beauty, not just meeting obligation.

So...it's 5:00 pm. I'd like to spend the evening cleaning up my apartment. More specifically, I'd like to have some joy when I wake up in the morning. Yes, that's a better way to say it. The joy of the Lord is my strength.

I'm going to go back to the kitchen, and see if I can find joy in every little patch of counter or floor that's cleared and cleaned. See if I can be doing it because I really want to, because it fits with who I am...not because I'm so full of shame about letting it get dirty.

Here's what I've been thinking since my last post this morning...but it's really hard to explain...

It's about being engaged in life. It's about being joyful, happy to be doing what I'm doing or being what I'm being or whatever.

When I'm teaching, or talking with a donor on the phone, or accomplishing something, I'm engaged...but it's exhausting. It's exhausting partly because I have to get myself into that mode...and it's exhausting because I drag my heavy, awkward body around while I do it.

When I'm *not* doing something like that, or hanging around with people, or whatever, I seem to check out completely. It's like I don't exist at all. I put my brain and my body completely into neutral. I'm not happy about anything. I'm not hopeful about anything. I'm not...anything.

I don't know how or when or why this started, but it's true. The "me" I've been remembering was excited about stuff...looking forward to stuff...but I mostly remember that "me" in situations that didn't end well. A lot of the memories come from the time Tony and I were together, way back when I was 19 years old. I got SEVERELY disappointed in that relationship, and maybe I never really recovered.

I do see my past history as a series of severe disappointments. Maybe at some point it just became easier to not really care -- to do the right thing, to try and make a difference, but to not really throw myself into it completely.

I see that in my time with Terri, in my school, in my work at Joshua Station. I see it in all my relationships. Wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I'm not completely there. I am always "safe" in my own shell -- the space I create with the space I take up, the chair I have to sit in (never shared with anyone else), the things I can't take part in (it's never me on the zipline with everyone cheering below), the modifications I have to make ("you guys go on dancing, I'll just watch).

It won't work to begin by being engaged with people and things outside of myself. That's sort of the approach I've already taken, and it doesn't work. I show up, but I'm food-hung-over, or dehydrated, or sweaty or unprepared because I wasn't engaged until I forced myself to get engaged five minutes before the activity started.

I'm going to have to find a way to be engaged in life when I'm all alone -- to be excited about what I'm going to do that day when I'm not going to see anyone and no one's going to see what I do. It's going to have to start with me and God and no one else.

I hope I can do that. I need a little time to think about what that would look like.

The last few days have been so weird. Pretty much motionless, staring at a wall or at the TV...but somehow believing that's what I'm supposed to do.

Little trickles of understanding have been running through me, and I don't know if I would have noticed them, or if they would have trickled at all, if I'd been busier. Stuff I can't really explain, memories of who I used to be (who I really am?), hope for being that person again (or finally).

Every once in awhile, I'll get up and do some dishes, or whatever. That's new. I'm grateful for two more weeks of Lent, hopeful that something will somehow "click" before those two weeks are over...but I don't really have two weeks to stare at a wall. I do have things I have to do.

Still, I'm grateful for this little window. No one really needs me for anything, and I can catch up on my work hours. I'm doing a little work each day, and progress is being made on the web page, which is the highest priority. I think that all is well, for now.

It's noon on Friday, and all I've gotten done is breakfast. I was pretty motionless, and even a little sad. My brother called and said he didn't really want to pick me up for my sister-in-law's birthday party because he wants to spend time with her. I didn't really want to go, either -- not because I don't want to be with them, but because I want this thing that's working out in me to continue. I don't have any clean laundry, and I didn't want to leave my little apartment sanctuary to go downstairs and do laundry. I'm not really ready to be with people, yet.

Then my work phone rang. I hurried to pick it up (I don't need another message to return!), and as I spoke with the sweet woman on the other end I found myself observing myself. Who was this cheerful, capable person?? Was I being fake? Was I putting on an act?

One thought, and I'm not sure about it -- what if I'm *not* being fake or putting on an act when I'm cheerful and capable and helpful around other people. What if that's all real, but I just don't bother to do it for myself? What would it be like to be that person when I'm all alone?

This may be the new direction of the path...I'll be thinking about that today.

I'm An Idiot.

Tonight I made a stupid mistake. It wasn't a big mistake, and it wasn't intentional, and it *probably* wasn't selfishly motivated (entirely), but it did hurt someone and I feel terrible about it.

Many questions arise: Why do I feel terrible? Because I got caught being stupid? Yes. Because someone got hurt? Yes. Why am I so scared? Because I'm afraid this incident will create distance between a ministry partner and myself? Yes.

But mostly, I'm scared because I let my guard down, did something without thinking, and opened myself up to complete responsibility and accountability for being really, truly stupid. It can't say good things about me that when I act without thinking, I act like such an idiot.

It seems I've spent a lot of time and energy crafting what people think of me -- the impression I give of my intelligence, my heart and my motives. I'm quite a poet at it, really.

But lately all of my crap hasn't been working, so I'm taking the hint -- God doesn't want me operating that way. Tonight I found out just how thin the shell really is: without it, with only moment-by-moment actions and reactions in my arsenal, I'm an idiot.

I see what's happening here. This is what sorry feels like.

I'm sorry.

What next?

Okay, the bed is made. That makes me want to take a shower and brush my teeth before bed...progress on the hygiene front! Can't believe I'm putting this out on the Internet...but it *is* kinda new for me to do anything about personal care before bed. I tend to reserve all that for the morning...when I'm getting ready to see other people, not for my own comfort. Do we see a pattern evolving, here?

What do I want for tomorrow, then? I would really like to go back to doing my morning and evening routines -- haven't actually done both in one day, yet. I also have plans to go swimming, and an appointment with a Joshua Station teenager's school to make arrangements for getting her caught up in school. That is all stuff I want to do.

Regarding work: I want to get caught up with the web page progress, then get as caught up as possible with donor communication. Last week was pretty slammed with one big project, so all of that slid to the side.

Just looking back at the list. Yes, that is all me. Nothing there that comes purely from outside pressure, shame, guilt, etc. The work goals, of course, are prioritized by what needs to be done, but since I love my work and really want the priorities fulfilled, there is no conflict.

If this seems odd to read, I'm not surprised. It feels odd to write. A pendulum swing -- for so long I've been so far OUT of the "I want to..." thing, that now I'm checking *all* my motivations.

I know, of course, that sometimes I have to do things I don't want to do. It's really complex, too complex to explain, but hat doesn't keep it from swirling around in my head. Do I really *want* to work? Yes, I really do. Should I do it even if I *don't* want to? Yes, of course -- they pay me! How does that all work with my current psychosis? :) Maybe on some points I only need to ask "Do I want this?" at a very high level -- "Is this the job I really want?" (Yes.) On the smaller points, the question becomes more like, "What do I believe needs to be done next, separate from what any particular person might think of me?"

I believe that there will come a time when it all kinda flows around and makes sense. Until then, there's really no other way to proceed than decision by decision.

I'm grateful for the routines I have written out -- that saves a lot of decisions each day. Again, it's a higher-level decision: "Do I really believe in these routines?" (Yes, but I'm open to adjusting them, and some may need to be added to.)

Built into the routines, also, are some smaller decisions. For example: decluttering and hot spot work. Tomorrow, the decluttering I want to do is taking out trash. The hot spot work would be my desk.

One more thing, regarding nutrition. I think the most important thing, right now, is to drink enough water. I am convinced that dehydration makes everything worse -- blood pressure, diabetes, cholesterol -- and that drinking more water makes me feel better almost instantly, and that it helps me to eat less. So: 200 ounces of water a day (a little more than half my weight in ounces).

Good night. I hope I'm a little more sane tomorrow -- but I'm not holding my breath.

This goes deeper than I thought.

Haven't posted for three weeks. I've been pretty confused.

I have tried, during this season, to eliminate all distractions from achieving my goals. As I've gone along, however, it seems more and more that what I'm really trying to do is to sort out all the voices in my head. Now I think I'm mostly trying to figure out who I really am and what I really want.

Lately I've hit some pretty bad stretches of depression. See, the more I force out the other voices (family, friends, "ministry" concerns, all the "shoulds"), the more it seems that there's nothing else. Nothing at all.

My apartment is messier than ever, I barely care about getting dressed in the morning, I'm gaining weight (that's what happens when you eat crap and are nearly motionless a lot of the time), and my mind doesn't even seem to be working right. My memory's bad, I can't prioritize, and absolutely EVERYTHING overwhelms me. I'm talkin' about...putting on my shoes overwhelms me. Everything.

I feel ridiculous. Embarassed. Scared that it won't get any better because there doesn't seem to be anything driving improvement. But I don't want to go backward. I really have to go forward on this path, or no change will ever be deep or permanent.

So here goes. What do I want? What do I really want?

I could say that I want a clean apartment, but that's almost too big, and it also opens the door to all the reasons why I *should* have a clean apartment. No good. Won't work. I have proof: the plan was to spend the entire day yesterday cleaning, so I could have a blissful Sabbath. Did not happen. 48 hours later, I haven't picked up a single thing. Totally frozen up. Man, I'm a mess.

Okay, enough of that. What do I want?

I would like to sleep in a made-up bed. Washed the sheets on Friday (was it last Friday, or the week before?), never put them back on the bed. Going now to do that.

Making it halfway through the day

I'm so grateful for the extended "sabbath" of Lent. The things I'm attempting are not going to be learned in one day or even one week (apparently).

More later.

Mall Poetry

BALLOONS (this one is definitely in progress...but it happened today!)

Four balloons touched down
in the middle of the downtown street:
one pink, one yellow, two white.

One man walked by them, then went back,
face expressionless (no expression seeming right),
picked them up by their ribbons, and tossed them to the sidewalk
so the bus wouldn't hit them, of course.

Three young people stood nearby: two boys, one girl
and the girl, needing something to touch the boys with,
used the balloons to bop them on the head.
It didn't do the trick, so she tossed the balloons up
and watched them like the child she was and is.

Up they flew, to the tops of the buildings,
and for a moment my heart soared with them.
Something beautiful shimmered inside me,
the beginning of a wondering about where beauty comes from.

I turned away to watch the police prep a man for detox.
When I looked back up, my balloons were gone.


IRRITATED/INSECURE
You tell the story again and again, and wait for me to laugh,
forcing me into a moment
when I really thought it was funny
when we thought we were really clever
and perfectly happy.

Do you make the joke again
because you liked me so much then?
Or because you like me so much less now?

Living and Learning...and Living

I had a really hard time getting out of bed this morning. I hate that paralyzed feeling. It was probably a combination of the chaotic mess around me and indecision about how to spend the day. I blew off an 8:30 podiatrist appointment (what was I thinking when I made that appointment??!!)...then I blew off staff meeting...then I felt guilty...then I said, out loud: "Sabbath was made for me, not the other way around. Get out of bed!"

Got dressed, decided I really didn't want to stay home on such a beautiful day, called a cab and got my butt downtown. It was a good day. Decided to see how it would work to let go of the diet restrictions on Sabbath. Not too bad! Way too many chocolate-covered almonds at the movie ("He's Just Not That Into You"), and a big, greasy roast beef sandwich for lunch (YUMMMM), but nothing in between. Not a weight loss day -- a maintenance day -- and obviously I don't want a lot of those! We'll see...maybe I'll make this a weekly thing, but only IF I can keep the weight loss going during the rest of the week.

It does feel good to let go of the routines for a day. On the other hand, I'm looking forward to getting back to the routines tomorrow, which is maybe a really good outcome of Sabbath rest! It's kinda like being on vacation, and really enjoying it, but looking forward to getting home.

Moments of note today:

-- Writing poetry on post-it notes, sitting on a bench on the mall (will post the poems later)

-- Spending a Tattered Cover gift card to get two knitting magazines and one beading magazine. Lots of new projects, and maybe some I can build into the fundraising visions that are rising up...? Also great to see Aaron Pott at the TC -- I knew I'd run into him there! :)

-- The guy who sat down next to me on the mall this evening, said "How you doing sweetheart" (uh-0hhh...I see it coming...) then "Are you losing weight? 'Cause there's fat farms, and..." !!!!! Maybe I was channeling the strong women in the movie I've just seen. I looked at him and said, firmly and loudly: "You are the rudest person I have ever met. Stop talking to me or I will call the police. I'm going back to reading my magazine. Get away from me!" I kept on reading, and he sat there for a minute silently. He finally got up and said, "Okay, bye. God loves you." I would have said something reconciliatory, but he started again: "But you know, there are--" "NO. YOU'RE DONE," I said, with a hand motion that cut him off completely, so he walked away. It felt good.

So tonight I'm watching "The Biggest Loser" and the SECOND "After the Final Rose" show of The Bachelor (I know...I know...), and eating some Chinese food.

Tomorrow I get up and start the routines again. It's a Wednesday, which is a good day to reboot. Lots of time slots that can be squished around as needed. I also need to get in a LOT of work -- this week in general, and especially tomorrow because the rest of the week has filled up with other stuff.

Blessings and blessings and blessings.... :)

So...what does Sabbath mean this week?

This has been a successful, revolutionary week -- sort of. I lost five pounds, I got up earlier than I have in months, I stayed transparent, I freaked out a couple of times, and I failed on a couple of things, too.

I'm loving the fact that I have seven weeks to get all of this right. So here comes Tuesday (my Sabbath) -- what do I need?

My apartment is still a mess -- I would love to get it cleaned up. I think I have the energy, I don't think I'd get "stuck," and it would be beautiful. On the other hand, tomorrow is also the first staff meeting in Lent -- MHM staff meetings are very spiritual, and I'd like to go through Lent with the staff community -- so I'd hate to miss it, and if I attend the meeting I won't get going on my cleaning up until after 11:00 in the morning.

I have been working pretty hard (in great part because I've had so much more energy!), and the weather is going to be beautiful tomorrow. I wonder if what I really need is to head downtown and go to a movie, read a book...get lost and relax BIG. I do hate the thought, though, of coming home to a yucchy place.

I wonder if I can make cleaning my place into a real Sabbath -- make it feel like adding to beauty instead of slogging through obligation.

Maybe -- if I do the things I really *want* to do (set up my desk the way I want it, maybe decorate it...) and avoid the things I really *don't* care about. I could throw some laundry in while I'm downstairs for staff meeting. It would be lovely to change my bedding and make up my bed.

Maybe I could beautify my home most of the day, then go downtown in the evening. I would have to be careful not to stay out toooooo late, so I don't set myself up for failure on Wednesday morning.....yes, I think that's an answer.

One more question -- do I take a vacation from my Lenten disciplines? I'm kinda leaning toward it. Not a license to binge...but freedom from counting calories, and maybe some fun food at the movie, etc. Let go of the three-hour morning routine, especially since the whole day I'll be doing that stuff..........yes. That's what I'll do. I'll know after trying it once whether it works or whether it sabotages me.

Okay. Got it. Blogging is, as Martha Stewart would say, "a good thing."