The last few days have been so weird. Pretty much motionless, staring at a wall or at the TV...but somehow believing that's what I'm supposed to do.

Little trickles of understanding have been running through me, and I don't know if I would have noticed them, or if they would have trickled at all, if I'd been busier. Stuff I can't really explain, memories of who I used to be (who I really am?), hope for being that person again (or finally).

Every once in awhile, I'll get up and do some dishes, or whatever. That's new. I'm grateful for two more weeks of Lent, hopeful that something will somehow "click" before those two weeks are over...but I don't really have two weeks to stare at a wall. I do have things I have to do.

Still, I'm grateful for this little window. No one really needs me for anything, and I can catch up on my work hours. I'm doing a little work each day, and progress is being made on the web page, which is the highest priority. I think that all is well, for now.

It's noon on Friday, and all I've gotten done is breakfast. I was pretty motionless, and even a little sad. My brother called and said he didn't really want to pick me up for my sister-in-law's birthday party because he wants to spend time with her. I didn't really want to go, either -- not because I don't want to be with them, but because I want this thing that's working out in me to continue. I don't have any clean laundry, and I didn't want to leave my little apartment sanctuary to go downstairs and do laundry. I'm not really ready to be with people, yet.

Then my work phone rang. I hurried to pick it up (I don't need another message to return!), and as I spoke with the sweet woman on the other end I found myself observing myself. Who was this cheerful, capable person?? Was I being fake? Was I putting on an act?

One thought, and I'm not sure about it -- what if I'm *not* being fake or putting on an act when I'm cheerful and capable and helpful around other people. What if that's all real, but I just don't bother to do it for myself? What would it be like to be that person when I'm all alone?

This may be the new direction of the path...I'll be thinking about that today.