Last Sabbath in Lent

Look at me, getting all liturgalistic and church-calendary...who knew I had it in me?

I wrote a few weeks ago that I had realized that the season of Lent is roughly one-seventh of the calendar year, so it could be seen as a sort of extended Sabbath season, and that's exactly what it has been for me. Like many of my Sabbath days, it has been "U" shaped, or maybe "J" shaped would be a better way to say it, since it has been more down than up.

I haven't lost any weight, and my apartment isn't very much cleaner. My work life is in better shape, including my volunteer work life (education at Joshua Station). Nothing got all twinkly and sparkly, and I can't find much to brag about, but it all improved.

I have changed some relationships, let go of others, let go of control, let myself dream, and begun to believe that the life I envision is worth working toward, and also worth changing some relationships, letting go of others, letting go of control, and letting myself dream. Maybe an "O" would be a better alphabet analogy?

My test of a "good Sabbath" is whether I have remembered who I am...and that I *can* say about this Lenten season. It has been painful, but I have allowed others' expectations to peel away and I have gotten closer to my core.

I can't say I've liked all of it -- for example, the days when I was completely out of touch with everyone and found that when no one else's voice is in my head...I eat and watch mindless TV. That was a dark time. Then I began to understand that I only do that because I don't know what else to do; when no one is asking anything of me, it's like I switch "off" completely, and that doesn't have to continue.

The past couple of weeks have been times of contemplating what I would do if my voice and the voice of my Creator were louder in my head -- and it has been a time of somewhat cautious dreaming.

I would like, by Easter, to be ready to stop being so cautious.

From my morning reading

"Being part of an order means taking an enhanced view of personal formation. We must not allow ourselves to slide into a daily frenzy of activity that crowds out any thought of future development, or we deny not only ourselves but also our communities. Unless a person keeps an eye to the future, it's easy to stray from the path. Only when we watch the road far ahead can we steer a straight course...maintaining a lifetime perspective and being a lifelong learner arre essential to finishing well." -- John Hayes, sub-merge.

This really confirms the path I've been on during Lent. It has been a little awkward, setting aside seven weeks (roughly a sabbath of a 52-week year, by the way) to go so deeply inward. I have felt a little guilty...but also believed that this could possibly be a "last chance" (? does such a thing exist with God?) to adjust my course before descending quickly into poor health on every level -- physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

I think I need to read sub-merge a few times through, maybe once a year. And another thought this morning: it's probably time to stop regretting that I didn't learn this stuff in my 20s, and enjoy the view more -- both forward and backward.