So I'm clearing out a bunch of stuff, and in the process I ran across some pages torn out of old notebooks. This is stuff I didn't want to throw out (when I threw out the notebooks), but I don't want it floating around my desk, apartment, etc...so this is where I'll keep it.
When I start to get healthy, all my strengths surface -- terrifyingly.
I start to think big thoughts, to dream big dreams, to have things to say, wrongs to confront...books to write...
And then I realize that to fully realize any of those big, beautiful things in me will take a LOT of risk. It won't be safe. People will oppose. It will take work -- research, late nights, hard labor -- and I might even be wrong.
And...all that work, I fear, will exhaust me. I'll only fall back into my dormant state of disease and depression -- and the work won't get done anyway, so why bother?
So I squelch it. Usually by accelerating the cycle and crashing as quickly as possible. Dormancy is a lot more comfortable than action.
That's what has to change -- I have to decide I'd rather live in action than dormancy.
What will that take? Courage. Tears. Conviction. Rest (strategic rest -- Sabbath plus!) Certainty. Study. Prayer.
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