Okay, so I've been writing a little about how it's nice allow myself to withhold myself from others...but now I'm faced with the weird syndrome where, if I'm not required to do anything else, I seem to just disappear. I can spend a whole day, or even a week or more, watching television I don't really enjoy, occasionally eating something, maybe dreaming a little about how I want my life to be -- and doing absolutely nothing else.
Today is one of those days. Yesterday I took a legitimate rest-up day. Slept late, watched a movie or two, called up a friend and went to a movie, came home and napped, and then watched some more TV. I had worked hard all week, and this is what I really needed.
Today is different, though. It's nearly 5:00 pm, and I've been in that "invisible" place. I guess on some level I believe there will be a sudden breakthrough -- an "ahah!" moment when I suddenly "get it" and jump up, full of vision and energy. Not gonna happen.
The only way out this is NOT to think about it. I have to act. Why does that make fear rise up? I don't know -- might be afraid that I'll o the wrong direction, or I'll get tired or halfway through something and unable to finish. I know there are some things from my past that I can trace the fear back to...but none of it matters.
Thinking is not the way out. There is never going to be a breakthrough from thinking. And I don't want to be alive only when other people need me to be. I want to act, to build something beautiful. I want my home and my appearance and my activities (not just my work) to be a beautiful expression of the person God created when he created me.
No more thinking. I know what to do. I've already had all the "ahah!" moments I need to have.
The rest of the day/evening, I'll be creating beauty in my home. It's pretty ugly right now, but definitely not the worst it's ever been. This will be fun.
Ready, get set...go.
Monday, July 26, 2010
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