Happy

No posts for 15 months, then three in one day!

I'm happy now, as this weird Sabbath day ends. My puttering resulted in a relatively-clean kitchen and front room. I decided I'd spare my downstairs neighbors and not clean the floors tonight (it's midnight!).

I do NOT feel:
--miserable that I spent my Sabbath cleaning
--bummed that I didn't get it ALL done (the bedroom is still pretty much a wreck)
--stressed that I'm facing a busy work week again

In fact, since I work at home I'm feeling really happy about the work week beginning. I have a pleasant place to work!

So I'll keep on puttering whenever I have a little time, instead of crashing. I'll bet the difference in calories burned will add up, and I know the difference in my state of mind will be pretty huge, also.

Laziness

It's really weird that, after a zillion false starts, I haven't been able to lose this weight. I know what needs to be done. Fewer calories in, more calories out. Lower-glycemic eating. Exercise to build muscle mass so I burn more calories even when I'm sleeping. I've even learned to eat healthy food, and my fridge and cupboards are closer to vegan than any of my skinny friends will ever dream of.....

So what the HECK??!! Here's the thing (or ONE of the things): I'm LAZY. I have to face it, and today I really tried. Today, a sabbath day with no other priorities, I decided I would focus on overcoming the laziness. I woke up in a messy, dirty apartment (again), and spent most of the day nearly motionless (again); but this time, I observed it. I talked through it. I tried to understand this girl lying in bed, staring at TV shows she had zero interest in watching.

Around 5:00 p.m., I asked myself (out loud): "Why are you doing this? What is keeping you from moving? Why would you choose this laziness, on a day specifically set aside for nothing but to battle it?"

I tried to be honest in my answers (also out loud): "I'm afraid I'll get tired and overwhelmed. I'm a little depressed. I'm uncomfortable standing or even walking across my apartment."

And I tried to understand that I'm not bad. I tried to be kind to myself, like I would with anyone else struggling with something they hate: "I know it hurts a little to get up and get moving, but don't worry, you won't hurt yourself. It will be uncomfortable for awhile, but ultimately you'll be *more* comfortable, if you go through it. The depression will lift, too. And it doesn't have to be all-or-nothing. Just move a little, do something. No other expectation."

So I started. I put some dishes in the sink. I sat back down. Talked to myself some more and got back up. It went on like that for the rest of the evening. I didn't have any real goal in mind -- just do *something*.

Sometime early on, I came up with a word for what I was doing: "puttering." This is what people do (isn't it?). They just kinda do stuff. They just pick something up and put it away, wash the dishes that are in the sink, tidy up a shelf or whatever. They stop and start, and don't even think about making a big deal out of it. They putter.

So I stopped for awhile to do something else: I made a little sign that says "I (heart) Puttering!" and put it on my fridge. Dopey, I know...but it was another thing I did. No big deal.

To do stuff...at all. To do stuff without making a big deal... To do something just because it occurs to me to do it... This is all going to sound ridiculous to a lot of people who have lived it all their lives. I have spent so *many* years "stuck," it's a HUGE revelation to me. Life-changing!

So I'll try to walk in this, and after awhile I won't have to try very hard, and eventually it will be natural...and something else will be the new frontier.

Thank God for Sabbath.

Time Warp...15 months later...

Amazing...I haven't written since November of 2007.

And I'm still basically the same weight: right around 385. Since I last posted, I dropped down to 370, but I'm back up.

So here we go again..............

I'll keep ya posted.

:) Lori

Continuing Education...

This is such a long process -- it seems like I'm relearning everything I ever learned about food and movement. Today I completely failed...but I think I learned something, and I hope it will stick.

I don't think it's always been this way, but lately it seems like I lose weight when I'm on vacation, and I tend to binge when I'm busy and even when I'm fulfilled and happy -- but busy. When I have time to make choices and I'm relaxed and free to do what I really want to...I choose healthy food, I push myself to exercise more, and I enjoy moving.

But when I'm busy (like I was today -- from 7:00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m.!), it doesn't seem to matter whether I'm enjoying what I'm doing or not. I don't have the time I want to think about what I really want to eat, or what will make me feel good...and I fall back on old habits that I have long since discarded because they make me feel like crap.

I ordered food in twice today -- Chinese at lunch time, and hot wings and cinnamon bread after the last of the kids left at 8:00 (so I didn't start *eating* that heavy meal until after 9:00!). I didn't want to eat like that. I didn't enjoy the food. I found myself longing for sauteed tomatoes and good whole wheat bread...but my kitchen is full of dirty dishes, I have no groceries in the house, and I couldn't see myself taking the time to cook.

Here's the thing, though -- I *did* take time to eat. I made the phone calls (after stressing out for a couple of hours each time about whether or *not* to make the phone call), and I stopped long enough to eat -- and to eat too much! So, would it really have been more time away from my work to eat well?

I really think it has to do with changing habits. The new habits are becoming my preference, but they still take energy to choose. The old habits feel effortless, even if they really aren't.

I have no idea whether any of that made sense...

Crying like a big ol' baby

My body and my soul are connected. How did I miss that? Today I'm feeling the emotional flood of "that time of the month," and I'm mad at everyone around me for not delighting in me, not making me feel beautiful and unique and indispensable.

Oh, how the woman I am longs to be known. I'm so sick of leaving my home and taking on the identity I've created, the me I present to the world, that I understand completely how people eventually give up, go to bed and eat their way to 1000 pounds or more. In my bed, I'm me. In my home, I move gracefully and create things that make sense to me.

Out there it's scary. Things that should be beautiful are as dirty and fragile as plastic always becomes, no matter how smooth and white it started out. I should be able to do something about it. I need to find my super hero outfit.

No one else knows about it, and I've never actually seen it, but it's made of denim and crepe and embroidery floss and beads, and when I finally put it on it will swirl around me and everyone will know who I really am.

Until then, I'll try to stay mild-mannered, try to get by on ordinary strength and live without my real powers. But it's getting old.

On a different note

I learned something the hard way once I got home. The good news is that it didn't send me into a tailspin, and in fact I saw a one-pound weight loss just two days later.

Here's what happened: I had a date to swim with friends at 1:30 p.m., and almost no food in the house after coming home from vacation. I went out to Starbucks for breakfast and got a latte and a little cheese-and-fruit plate, went swimming a couple of hours later, and was famished when I got home.

And here's what I learned: I must NOT get in a position where I have no food in the house. I really did my best (or the best I could do in my famished, hazy state) -- I had some whole wheat bread with olive oil. Three slices. Then two more slices. And I felt yucchy.

Yucchy doesn't work for me. My body starts thinking of what it needs to eat to get UNyucchy. And my body decided it needed pizza and wings. (Craving protein?)

Spent the entire afternoon fighting the craving (mostly by watching TV and going back and forth about whether or not to go for it). Finally caved at about 8:30 p.m.

Ate the wings, felt satisfied, looked at the pizza and felt the old "gotta finish it" urge. Didn't finish it *all*, but enough that it was now 10:00 p.m. and I felt yucchier than ever. Went to bed miserable, but the worst part was that I was looking at another day tomorrow with nothing good to eat in the house.

I don't remember how I got through Tuesday, but the binge didn't continue (thank God!), and on Wednesday night I went shopping. Since then I've been consuming more fruit than I have in my life, and I LIKE IT!

Vacation weight loss!

Got back from vacation a week ago. I meant to write while I was traveling, but... "Note to self: bring a laptop next time!" Lots of WiFi spots, almost NO computers I could use.

Weight after vacation: 382.1. Weight at doctor visit two days later: 381.2. Mission accomplished! I've lost another four pounds this month, and enjoyed my vacation TREMENDOUSLY! Even got to eat a burger, have a couple of beers and a couple of ice cream cones...but most of the time I was eating fruit and whole grains, and walking around Seattle, Portland and Pendroy (Montana) helped a LOT!

I think the trick was this: routine eating stayed healthy and light. No need to splurge on breakfast, lunch and dinner. Instead, I ate oatmeal for breakfast (some days), munched on whole grain cereal and dried fruit on the road, and saved the "fun eating" for things that really were fun.

For example (and this is startling to me, you must believe me!), I did *not* eat ice cream every time the opportunity presented itself! In fact, I didn't even eat ice cream every time my traveling companion ate ice cream! I even went through a Dairy Queen drive-through (with my tall, thin, healthy, male friend who needed something for lunch) and didn't get anything! Nothing! Not even a diet soda, because I really didn't want one right then.

Instead, I saved my ice cream eating for two really special times: the Elevated Ice Cream Company in Port Townsend, WA (where I've been wanting to go for YEARS!), and the little place in the Colorado Rockies, on the way home, where my friend stops every year with his family. Perfect. Yum. And no guilt.

It's starting to come together. I'm starting to get it, I think....

The first five pounds

Weighed in yesterday -- five pounds in the last month (now at 385.4). I wish it were more...but I need to take this and be happy. After all, I was completely bummed out when I gained a few pounds at a time -- why not be joyful when it goes the other way?

I'd really like to lose 20 pounds a month for awhile. At my weight, it doesn't seem unreasonable. But here's the main thing -- I never want to hit 390 again. That's over. 390 is over. Never again. Did I say that? :)

I'm heading out on a road trip tomorrow (see northwestroadtrip.blogspot.com). My goal is to lose *some* weight on the trip -- NOT to come back with more weight to lose! It shouldn't be hard. I'm traveling with someone who "gets it," I have control over what kind of food I eat in the car, and I'm going down to sea level, so it should be easy enough to walk, swim, etc.!

I'll check in during the trip. Gotta go clean house, or I may never come home!

Lori

A few days in -- not that big a deal

Feelin' good. Maybe I should describe the diet I'm on -- it's called the Rice Diet, but it's really not about rice. It was developed in the '40s, and the first version of it really was just rice and fruit, but it has been expanded into a simple, low-sodium, low-fat eating plan.

Because it consists mainly of whole foods (grains, fruit, veggies, a little dairy and protein), the calorie level is low -- about 800-1200 calories a day, and I'm definitely hungry sometimes, but that works for me -- I like to be able to *feel* the weight coming off!

I've discovered another personal benefit to the low calorie content: it allows some flexibility. Now, some of this flexibility isn't actually written into the plan, but this is my eating plan, my body -- it's about getting healthy, not about following a regimen. The first day I was on this plan, I had an extra meal. It brought my calories up to 1100 or so, rather than 800, but it takes about 4000 calories a day to maintain my current weight, so guess what? I still had a deficit of 2900, and that's most of a pound of fat! (A pound of fat is about 3600.)

I'm also using the low calorie level of the plan another way -- it allows me to work in some treats. For example, Saturday I went to a cabin party where I knew the host had been slow-cooking some meat all day, and I decided I'd like to have some. So I stuck to the strictest form of the plan all day (two starches, two fruits at each meal), went to the party, had the meat I wanted and even a few really great cookies someone had brought up...and stopped. I did *not* do the thing where you say "Well, I've blown the diet now -- might as well pig out," then eat potato chips all night. I didn't even have s'mores later on. It just didn't sound good, and definitely not worth the calories.

Ohmigosh, could it be that....I don't *like* s'mores? When they were passing around the chocolate and marshmallows, it just sounded too sweet. "Too sweet" -- is that something I ever thought I'd say? Amazing.

I did feel heavy for awhile after I ate the meat, but by the time I left the party I was feeling light and good again, because I didn't spend the rest of the night eating! When I looked around, I realized I had eaten just like all the skinny people in the room -- had a heavyish meal, then stopped. Later on, after a lovely evening of visiting with my good old friends *without* a plate my hands and food constantly in my mouth, I noticed that all the munchies had been put away to make room for candles on the table -- I guess that's what skinny people do when they're done eating for awhile! Who knew!?!

The great news is this -- I know that even with the extra calories I'm still low in calories for the day (and certainly for the week!), so it's just not a big deal. I don't have to feel guilty, don't have to feel anything at all. I can just pick up my two starches and two fruits at the next meal, and keep on losing weight! Whoo hoo!

That seems to be a life theme for me, right now -- "It's just not that big a deal." Cleaning up my apartment? Not that big a deal -- I'll just do whatever I have time for each day, instead of stressing out about reserving a weekend for an overhaul of the place. And it's not a measure of my self-worth -- it's just a messy apartment. Not that big a deal.

I even made some changes in a significant relationship recently -- just made a few changes in my way of relating to them. After a difficult moment or two, we're happy, healthy and lovin' each other. Not a big deal. We're fine.

Could this be the "peace that passes understanding" that I've heard so much about? I wonder if one of the devil's best tools is making us think that things are a big deal when really they're not. How much time and energy do we waste in anxiety over molehills that looked like mountains? The world may never know... :)

I'm Done Running

Remember when Forrest Gump started running, ran to one coast, turned around and started running the other way...and one day he just stopped? He was just done. He stopped, turned around and walked through all the people who had been running with him, and went home.

I had a moment this morning that felt a lot like that. I've been running and running and running...stressing...fearing...avoiding...trying to figure things out...fearing and avoiding and trying some more...then this morning I was in the shower (crying), and I just stopped. The thought was something like, "Well, time to get started, then."

With absolutely no emotion, I finished my shower, got dressed, and measured out the oatmeal for my breafast -- first meal of my diet. WITH NO EMOTION, I MEASURED OUT THE OATMEAL. No one but a dieter could possibly understand the significance of those words.

Put some rice into the slow cooker, went about my morning, and about an hour ago I measured out the cooked rice for my lunch. No excitement, no agonizing -- as if I'd been doing it this way all my life.

I guess I'm just done running.

At a Barbecue With Skinny, Athletic People...I've had nightmares like that!

I had a pretty good experience at a barbecue today -- didn't eat nearly as much as I might have done awhile back, and it wasn't much of a struggle. I also had a good time talking with everyone there, but I had a little epiphany:

I realized that, while I can certainly get along with people and they like me just fine -- even at my weight -- there is a level at which I do *not* connect with people, because of my weight. We were at the park, and someone came on a cool new cruising bicycle -- a couple of the women there hopped on the bike and tried it out. I would have loved to do that; it's totally within my personality to do it, but I couldn't, at my weight. Several of the couples there were also talking about their hiking experiences, and I thought: "I could have that in common with them...if it weren't for my weight." It didn't make me think, "I don't fit in. I'm so sad. Guess I'll eat some worms," but it did make me think: "This could be better. I'd like to get there."

So, it's motivating, not depressing and demotivating -- YEAY!

The Title is a Leap of Faith...

So, here I sit (and sit and sit and sit), all 391 pounds of me, and I have the chutzpah to name my blog "The Incredible Shrinking Lori!"

I believe it will be true, this time -- it really just has to be. It's time. I'm over it. There's someone inside here who deserves a chance to live.

So here I go. Stay tuned.

:) Lori