Nothing Wasted

Protest

2010-10-24T14:06:00.000-07:00

I went to church this morning. I'm teaching a five-week class for adults at a church I used to attend regularly, and after the class I stayed for worship.

The message was all about tradition, and how it can get in the way of truth and the real love and beauty that life with Jesus brings. It's a mainline denominational church, so this was a fairly gutsy sermon to preach. I appreciated it.

Until I remembered...

This is the same church where I don't take communion, in protest of the long-standing, traditional policy that women are not allowed to serve communion there.

"Really?" I thought. "You're giving this sermon and *still* not making the change?" Maybe the change will come soon. Maybe this sermon was the pastor's way of nudging us closer to ending this ridiculous, unnecessary injustice. I've been through 16 years and three senior pastors at this church -- and every time I've brought up the inequality between the way the genders are treated, every one of those pastors has admitted that there is no biblical basis for this tradition. They would *love* to change it, themselves...but it would cause too much division in the church. The time just wasn't right.

Today, after some prayer and soul searching, I took another step. Well, a few dozen steps, really. At communion time, I walked to the front, past the men serving the bread and wine, and sat down in the middle of the front row. My intention was simply to be available to serve, waiting to be asked. When communion was over, I walked back to my seat.

One of the pastors came to me, kindly asking if I'd received communion and if not -- did I want to? I was happily surprised to have the chance to gently explain my behavior. He's a dear friend, and I wasn't angry. I just told him. He said, "Okay, thanks," and went back to his seat.

If my heart can stay in the right place -- not angry, not seeking attention, but gently refusing to let the problem stay hidden -- I believe I'll continue to make myself available to serve communion every week until I'm asked. Perhaps some other ladies will join me. A row of women in the front at each communion time, simply waiting to be allowed to serve, might be just what's needed to push this issue onto the church leaders' radar. They're good people -- they're probably just waiting for the right time.

The right time is now. There will never be a better time.

Quoting from _Women, Food and God_

2010-08-31T12:53:00.000-07:00

"At some point, it becomes about the weight. When you can't live the rest of your life with ease, the weight itself needs to be addressed. Not so that you can become super-model thin. Not so that you can look like an image in your mind that has nothing to do with your body, your age, your life. You need to address the weight because without addressing it, you don't actually live. You schlep yourself from place to place, out of breath. Sitting is painful. Flying is torturous. Going to the movies is challenging. You become so burdened with the problems you've created that your life becomes small and your focus becomes narrow. Life becomes about your limitations. How ashamed you are of yourself. You close down your senses, you leave the world of sounds of color, of laughter in favor of a reality you've created yourself. If you keep using food as a drug, if your life becomes about your weight, you miss everything that is not related to your weight problem. You die without ever having lived."

This is the most amazing book I have ever read, with the most incredible insights into what it's really like to be an overeater, and why and how we get there. Thank you, Geneen Roth.

...Bitch.

That's What You Do

2010-08-31T09:54:00.001-07:00

A tough girl in middle school wanted to fight me for the right to accompany my best friend (and wow...both their names escape me, now...) on the Magic Mountain field trip.

I thought Amy (I remembered!) would find this ridiculous and tell me that of course she would go with me. She didn't. Apparently she wanted to be fought over.

My father said to tell the tough girl that "ladies don't settle their arguments rolling around in the dirt." Good one, dad.

We met just inside the school gate, and a crowd gathered. For reasons that don't make sense to me now, we thought we should go outside the fence to fight -- like we'd get in trouble if we fought on school grounds. I just stood there. A crowd gathered. That's all I remember -- the crowd, some of them yelling stuff, and me staring at my shoes and waiting. I waited until the crowd finally left, and then Cindy (I remembered!) finally left, too.

Then I walked home. I thought I'd handled it pretty wisely, but I was devastated. Amy pulled up on her bike, and all she said was, "I thought you were my friend."

Amy and I stayed friends after that. We talked it through and stayed friends, because that's what you do. And that's what I've continued to do. I've only left one relationship and that was my first boyfriend, a really painful situation that I actually left the state to get away from.

The ex and I are Facebook friends, now. Because that's what you do.

Acting, Not Reacting

2010-08-30T10:49:00.000-07:00

I just had a "moment" that could have ended very badly.

I'm at the neighborhood coffee shop. Worked late last night, got up late this morning, no time for breakfast. So I grab a coffee just before a stressful meeting with my boss. She leaves, I look around for a place to plug in my laptop and work. Can't find one. I flop into an arm chair and return my mom's call. She does all the mailing for the ministry I work for, and some of letters I sent her last night didn't print correctly. Too many letters to resend them all, and the only way to figure it out is to pay for a car share for a couple of hours, go over there and sort it out. I REALLY can't afford to pay for a car today.

Just as I tell Mom that I'll think about it and call her back, I realize I'm flopped in a very unflattering position, and two girls at the counter (who look like they just came from a yoga class) are giving me the "can-you-believe-how-big-that-woman-is" stank eye.

If you're addicted to anything, you know how I felt at that moment. The swirly, helpless, overwhelmed, grasping, quitting feeling you get just before you reach for whatever's familiar and apparently helped you find your balance at some point in the past, whether it works now or not. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about.

A thought was forming that started with the words, "Oh, I'll just..." I'll just...what? Get the car all day and deal with the cost later? Eat something sugary and get a buzz going? Skip swimming today to deal with the effed up work situation?

Then something different happened. I realized that this was the worst possible time to make a decision. Any decision. I didn't need to do *anything*, at this moment, but deal with this feeling. Then I could make decisions for the rest of the day, or even for the next five minutes.

So I sat up in the arm chair, closed my eyes, said a quick prayer and breathed. I realized that I was hungry and thirsty and needed to take care of myself before I took care of anything else. I pushed the table on which I had put my computer over to another chair (closer to the yoga girls, which took a little courage), and plugged in (using a bit *more* courage to ask the cooler-than-cool guy on the couch to thread the cord behind his legs. I walked to the counter and bought a tofu-scramble whole-wheat breakfast burrito and a banana. Then I went back to my little table and let the yoga girls watch me eat. That's right, yoga girls -- fat chicks eat.

Within ten minutes, I was able to think clearly. Checked email, texted my boss with a great idea I'd forgotten during our meeting, checked into the car share, called Mom back. It will only cost five dollars to extend my car share an hour and go over to her place after my workout this afternoon.

Writing this blog was the next priority -- sharing epiphanies is important, too. Done and done. Time to go swimming, and tonight I'll be at my desk working -- but maybe not so late.

Hello, Future Me!

2010-08-17T11:57:00.000-07:00

An open email to myself,
five years in the future.

To make sure I get it, I'm also
sending it out at FutureMe.org.

______________________________

Dear Future Me:

I can see you today, when I close my eyes. You're driving a blue pickup truck on an open highway. All I can see is the part that shows through the window, but you have that long braid down your back -- the one I've been trying FOREVER to grow -- your shoulders are narrower, your face more defined and prettier, and there's a lot more room between you and the steering wheel than I have now.

You're on your way to the next city, to set up another After School Club, or maybe a Cottage School, for homeless kids. The first fledgling program, at Joshua Station, starts in a couple of weeks (my time) -- but by the time you read this there may be a dozen or more. When you get to the city, you'll make connections; you'll speak and write and meet and do whatever it takes to gather a community around the cause of education for homeless children. You'll work with those new friends to create something beautiful. Again. And again at the next place. And again and again.

Behind the truck you're towing a tiny house, with a bicycle on the porch. God only knows (and I look forward to finding out) what's inside the house: a guitar, a djembe, a spinning wheel? A telescope, maybe some canvases and paint? It's going to be fun to see what stays, what goes and what is added as I pursue and define the lovely, simple, mobile life I long for.

There will always be resistance, and it may never get easy, but from here your life looks so sweet. Here at the beginning of the story, there's mostly paralyzing fear. Fear of failure, fear of hard work, fear of being alone in the hard work and also failing alone. Fear of the thing I've never been, however beautiful it might claim to be. What if I heard God wrong? Fear that when I get to heaven he'll shake his head and say something like "What were you thinking?"

The smile on your face today says you fought through it. You're doing what you were born to do, and you know it. If it's possible that it works this way (and some of my friends who are WAY into physics think it might be), please pray for me. No one but you and God knows what it's going to take to get from here to there, but it's do-able, and it's worth it. This much even *I* know.

Some "inciting incidents" were put into motion recently, before I even knew what an "inciting incident" was. The Shrink-A-Thon is probably the most obvious, public one -- 400 of my family and friends are watching via Facebook as I lose this weight, and a bunch of them are actually pledging money per pound to benefit the After School Club at Joshua Station. Yikes. At the very least, it's keeping me from quitting on the good food and exercise. And having other people's money flowing toward the education program means that quitting on that isn't an option, either.

Future Lori, if you're still struggling, please don't give up. You do *not* want to end up back where I am now. If you're ever tempted to turn around, think about Griselda's face when she read her first whole sentence, or Marco's laughter when he realized he could actually *do* addition. Or you can think about any of the (hundreds?) of kids you've worked with in the time since I wrote this.

And, dear one, remember Dad's story. There were some great scenes...the children's home, the tutoring, the way he encouraged us to see our lives as blank slates on which anything could be written...but his last chapter was long and boring and all about sickness and death. And his death was long and boring and stupid and tragic. I can say that because I know he's okay now, and if he can see what I'm writing he agrees.

I'm standing at a crossroads, with a choice between your story and Dad's. I choose your story, Future Lori -- I choose Beautiful You.

The doctors all say that my diabetes is reversible, so you probably don't even have it. You're healthy and active and you get down on the floor with the kids. You say "yes" when friends invite you for hikes and on trips, you can go on the rides at amusement parks, and you explore the cities you visit on foot and on your bike. You have time and energy to sew the clothes you've always wanted to wear. You have space on your lap for the children you love.

And there's so much more to come -- eye has not seen.

I'm going to go and copy this off to you at FutureMe, but before I do I want to tell you two more things:

1) I'm sorry it's taken me so long to make the choices that will bring you into being.
2) You're welcome.

-- Lori, 2010

P.S. When we meet, let's write an email to Old Lady Us. You can probably see her a little more clearly than I can. All I can make out is a long, gray braid down her back, her bicycle, and her smile.

_____________________________

Last year Don Miller came through Denver, talking about his book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. He pretty much gave away the store in his talk, inspiring us all to "live a better story," and it hit me hard. I really got it. I thought I probably wouldn't need to read the book.

Since then I've stayed stuck in the same depressing story, so last week I bought the book anyway, and I read it in one sitting. I haven't done that since I was nine years old and the book was Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Here's a hint: if the table of contents makes you cry, you need to read the book. A Million Miles in A Thousand Years provides language to talk about what we all really want to do -- live a GREAT story -- and courage to get up and do it.

In September Don is hosting a conference called "Live A Better Story," and I'm not making the same mistake again -- if there's more to soak up, call me Spongebob. I'm especially interested in taking some focused time to come up with specific action steps.

This post is my entry in a contest to win a trip to Portland for the conference!

Here's a link to information on the conference: Living a Better Story Conference

And here's Don himself to tell you all about it:

Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.

Giving myself the life I dream of

2010-07-26T15:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've been writing a little about how it's nice allow myself to withhold myself from others...but now I'm faced with the weird syndrome where, if I'm not required to do anything else, I seem to just disappear. I can spend a whole day, or even a week or more, watching television I don't really enjoy, occasionally eating something, maybe dreaming a little about how I want my life to be -- and doing absolutely nothing else.

Today is one of those days. Yesterday I took a legitimate rest-up day. Slept late, watched a movie or two, called up a friend and went to a movie, came home and napped, and then watched some more TV. I had worked hard all week, and this is what I really needed.

Today is different, though. It's nearly 5:00 pm, and I've been in that "invisible" place. I guess on some level I believe there will be a sudden breakthrough -- an "ahah!" moment when I suddenly "get it" and jump up, full of vision and energy. Not gonna happen.

The only way out this is NOT to think about it. I have to act. Why does that make fear rise up? I don't know -- might be afraid that I'll o the wrong direction, or I'll get tired or halfway through something and unable to finish. I know there are some things from my past that I can trace the fear back to...but none of it matters.

Thinking is not the way out. There is never going to be a breakthrough from thinking. And I don't want to be alive only when other people need me to be. I want to act, to build something beautiful. I want my home and my appearance and my activities (not just my work) to be a beautiful expression of the person God created when he created me.

No more thinking. I know what to do. I've already had all the "ahah!" moments I need to have.

The rest of the day/evening, I'll be creating beauty in my home. It's pretty ugly right now, but definitely not the worst it's ever been. This will be fun.

Ready, get set...go.

Another piece?

2010-07-24T20:28:00.001-07:00

Maybe it's not about withholding myself (or not ONLY about that)...because I'm also finding it a relief not to expect anything of others, either.

Maybe it's about finding my center within myself instead of in someone else (or lots of people, or people in general), or even somewhere in between.

I'm looking forward to giving myself away because I *choose* to...

Freedom to withhold

2010-07-24T18:14:00.000-07:00

Something to think/write about at more length after I've thought about it a little more. As I'm spending time alone lately, and I've told everyone I'm going to be "in my cocoon" for awhile -- I wonder why it feels so right.

Part of it is the ability to focus on what I really want to do. But there's another piece -- the freedom to withhold myself. I need to learn how to say, "You can't have me, on any level, right now. I belong to me, and I'm just not available." I don't know why that feels so important, so central to getting healed up -- but it really does.

Hm.

Two lessons

2010-05-18T20:29:00.000-07:00

1) Some foods, for me, are drugs -- not food at all. These things include Kentucky Fried Chicken, macaroni and cheese, and a lot of other "comfort" foods, especially those involving white sugar, white flour, dairy (cheese!) and greasy texture.. When I eat these foods, my body does not expect to be energized and satisfied with nutrition. My body expects, when I eat these foods, to be sedated, to be soothed into a "food coma." If I eat just a *little* of these foods, a strong craving kicks in until I *get* to the "food coma" stage. In other words, these foods do not feed and satisfy me -- they cause me to crave and feel DISsatisfied.

2) There has been some kind of payoff to keeping myself fat, and it's pretty complex. Today it seems to be trying to come into focus, so I've been thinking about it. My thoughts:

I have often felt that I could not put in the time and effort to take care of myself, that everyone and everything else comes first, and I put myself last. But -- why would I do that? There's certainly some kind of martyr thinking going on, here -- the very idea makes me sick, but I think it's true.

There's also some definite laziness going on. Often the "other stuff" that I do at the expense of taking care of myself is cerebral, computerized, something I can do from a seated position -- and taking care of myself involves getting up and moving around. It's not clear to me whether I became lazy before or after I got fat. Moving really is hard and painful now, but I'm sure it hasn't always been. It almost doesn't matter -- I'm lazy now, and the only way for things to get easier is to get up and do something.

Here's what's forcing me to make a change (and scaring the crap out of me): all the people who I've thought I had to "do for" are now really invested in me losing weight. Ask any of them, and they would say, "Go and get your exercise! Make good food for yourself! This stuff can wait!" This includes my bosses, my friends, the people I'm in ministry with, everyone at my church, my family...everyone! So -- NOW what's my excuse?

There isn't one. I have two choices: a) get my act together, or b) face the fact that the choice *not* to get it together is entirely *mine*. No more martyrdom. Just the lazyness and the fear. I own it -- I cannot put it off on anyone else.

On the other hand, this represents tremendous freedom! Hallelujah, no more martyrdom! I put it out there to everyone I know, and they not only made it clear that they want me to succeed -- they actually put money on the line!

No more confusion -- the path ahead is clear, and if I don't take that path, I own the fact that I chose to sit here on my ass.

Learning new tricks

2010-04-27T21:36:00.000-07:00

Fell off the wagon today. Big ol' Domino's sandwich and wings for dinner. I was SO hungry -- and that seemed to help it digest quickly, which is good, but it made me realize that these things don't "just happen." I have a lot of new habits to build.

For one thing, evenings need to be relaxed and easy -- not work time, just take-care-of-me time. And the other thing -- I MUST be prepared. I cannot yet "wing" this stuff.

So -- after resting and digesting for an hour or so -- I pulled out the sewing machine and did some mending...on the desk I stayed up late to clean, last night, yeay! Put away the sewing machine as soon as I was done, pulled out the computer and planned my food, starting with lunch out with my friend Suman, tomorrow.

I could already feel the doubt and tension around breakfast and dinner -- would I *really* take time to chop up the apples for the oatmeal at breakfast and cut up the fruit for the smoothie at dinner? I could feel the failure around the edges of the day, trying to get in. I have to get breakfast and dinner right tomorrow, because even the salad I have planned for lunch is 853 calories!

New trick: cut up the apples, put them in the oatmeal pan and added water. Tomorrow morning I'll just have to take the pan out of the fridge, put it on the stove and add oatmeal. Got out the pear, mango and orange for the smoothie, cut them up and put them in a container in the fridge. Whirrr those babies with some water, snag the pecans out of the cupboard, and I'll have a good working dinner tomorrow night.

Tomorrow's new trick? Getting in the exercise! After lunch, Suman's going to drop me at the pool.

And I do have to get in a full six hours of work tomorrow, so I'll have to come home after swimming. I have plans to walk over to Taize worship at St. Paul's tomorrow -- we'll see if that's possible.

Making it easy for myself

2010-04-25T19:07:00.000-07:00

Another thought -- a little brighter and easier:

The highest priority in my life, right now, is to lose this weight. And the thing that most deters me is when things start to feel hard. And it seems to be a defect of my character that things really easily begin to feel hard. It's the fear -- that's the ultimate enemy, and I've known it for years, really.

For the last few days, I've essentially told myself that I didn't have to do anything but stay under 2000 calories. Nothing else had to happen -- just that. Of course, I can't live that way forever, and that's why I'm feeling paralyzed tonight.

So -- the next priority is this: make things easy on myself. This is my fifth day of "sobriety" (defined as 2000 calories or less). If I want to have a sixth day, and I'm going to get anything else done, I have to fight off the fear. And until I can conquer the fear, I have to make it easy for myself -- so there's nothing to fear.

At this point I'm certain that no one is still reading, so this is just for me: what will it take to make tomorrow easy for myself?

1) Clean clothes.
2) Food planned and prepped.
3) Work week planned, and if I can get the work space organized that would be a bonus.

That means that cleaning the kitchen drops off the priority list, which takes some pressure off.

Also -- this week I need to add exercise. Making that easy tomorrow just means carrying my swim bag with me, and going to Washington Park because I'm used to going there, instead of going to Glenarm, even though it's closer.

Otay. I feel a little better. It will be interesting to read these blog posts later, when I'm a little less psycho.

Finding a new way through

2010-04-25T18:18:00.000-07:00

I get paralyzed. Not physically...but almost. My brain locks up and moving in any direction becomes absolutely terrifying. I'm there right now, though it's not the worst case I've ever had.

It's all about fear. Fear that I'll fail. Fear that it will hurt. Fear that I won't get everything done that needs to be done, and tomorrow will find things more messed up than ever.

It results in a mess. My home is a mess -- too messy to fix good things for me to eat, and I don't know what I'll wear tomorrow because I have no clean clothes. My work space is a mess -- too messy to get work done as effectively as I'd like, and there's no way I can do the sewing and other crafty stuff I'd like to do. My time is a mess -- I would love to be at church right now, but instead I'm sitting where I've been sitting for the past four hours, still thinking about what the first move should be, when I could have had a bunch of stuff done by now. Someday it would be nice to spend Sunday NOT trying to make myself do essential stuff...maybe doing some of that fun, creative, crafty stuff and then going to church!

I know the answer. Do something. Anything. It *will* hurt. Everything hurts, at this weight. I *will* fail. I will drop things and find it difficult to pick them up . Some of those things might break, and I'll have to sweep them up. I will have to stop frequently because my back hurts. I will even get paralyzed again and have to fight through it again.

BUT -- tomorrow things will NOT be more messed up than ever. They will be better. At least a little better, *if* I do something.

Also: eating does not help. How have I continued to believe that lie for all these years? Every stinkin' time, I really think that it will be better if I eat a big, greasy bowl of popcorn (or a pint of ice cream, or whatever) -- because THAT will make me feel like rolling up my sleeves and getting to work.

IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. SOMETIMES HAS, BUT ALMOST NEVER. All it does is buys me a little time not to think about it.

IT'S NOT THAT BAD. It's some dishes in the sink and a load of laundry. And a messy desk and some shelves that need cleaning up.

SOME OF IT WILL ACTUALLY BE FUN. I've been collecting boxes to organize these shelves. It will be fun to use them!

IT WILL OPEN THE DOOR TO MORE FUN AND ENJOYMENT OF LIFE, when it's done.

Whatever. Just do something. Okay, bye.

Week One

2009-09-30T18:39:00.000-07:00

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Last Sabbath in Lent

2009-04-07T20:04:00.000-07:00

Look at me, getting all liturgalistic and church-calendary...who knew I had it in me?

I wrote a few weeks ago that I had realized that the season of Lent is roughly one-seventh of the calendar year, so it could be seen as a sort of extended Sabbath season, and that's exactly what it has been for me. Like many of my Sabbath days, it has been "U" shaped, or maybe "J" shaped would be a better way to say it, since it has been more down than up.

I haven't lost any weight, and my apartment isn't very much cleaner. My work life is in better shape, including my volunteer work life (education at Joshua Station). Nothing got all twinkly and sparkly, and I can't find much to brag about, but it all improved.

I have changed some relationships, let go of others, let go of control, let myself dream, and begun to believe that the life I envision is worth working toward, and also worth changing some relationships, letting go of others, letting go of control, and letting myself dream. Maybe an "O" would be a better alphabet analogy?

My test of a "good Sabbath" is whether I have remembered who I am...and that I *can* say about this Lenten season. It has been painful, but I have allowed others' expectations to peel away and I have gotten closer to my core.

I can't say I've liked all of it -- for example, the days when I was completely out of touch with everyone and found that when no one else's voice is in my head...I eat and watch mindless TV. That was a dark time. Then I began to understand that I only do that because I don't know what else to do; when no one is asking anything of me, it's like I switch "off" completely, and that doesn't have to continue.

The past couple of weeks have been times of contemplating what I would do if my voice and the voice of my Creator were louder in my head -- and it has been a time of somewhat cautious dreaming.

I would like, by Easter, to be ready to stop being so cautious.

From my morning reading

2009-04-01T07:35:00.000-07:00

"Being part of an order means taking an enhanced view of personal formation. We must not allow ourselves to slide into a daily frenzy of activity that crowds out any thought of future development, or we deny not only ourselves but also our communities. Unless a person keeps an eye to the future, it's easy to stray from the path. Only when we watch the road far ahead can we steer a straight course...maintaining a lifetime perspective and being a lifelong learner arre essential to finishing well." -- John Hayes, sub-merge.

This really confirms the path I've been on during Lent. It has been a little awkward, setting aside seven weeks (roughly a sabbath of a 52-week year, by the way) to go so deeply inward. I have felt a little guilty...but also believed that this could possibly be a "last chance" (? does such a thing exist with God?) to adjust my course before descending quickly into poor health on every level -- physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

I think I need to read sub-merge a few times through, maybe once a year. And another thought this morning: it's probably time to stop regretting that I didn't learn this stuff in my 20s, and enjoy the view more -- both forward and backward.

Fears that sound ridiculous...out loud...

2009-03-27T17:00:00.000-07:00

1) There won't be anyone waiting for me at the other end of this journey. The people who know me now won't like the new me, and the reason I got this way in the first place is no one liked me before...how can I know anyone will like me then?

How it feels to start

2009-03-27T16:53:00.000-07:00

I want to acknowledge it. As I'm running the hot soapy water in the sink for the dishes, I can actually feel the depression: in my forehead, in my shoulders, in my arms. I believe that if I keep going, it will fall off. I do wonder if there's a spiritual warfare component -- ready for that if there is.

2009-03-27T15:39:00.000-07:00

Joy. That's the answer. "Rejoice in the Lord always...again, I say, rejoice." That's a command, if ever I heard one. The chick on The Ellen Show today who got a new car -- she didn't have to be told to rejoice. Apparently, however, we are to rejoice even when it's not automatic.

It makes sense to me, given what I'm struggling through right now. I have a really good life. If I were asked to write out my ideal life I would write out exactly what I have (minus the health problems, the messy apartment, the disorganization). What I don't have is joy.

I can visualize it, I can imagine it, I can dream it, I can plan for it...and when I finally get ready to go, ready to get off the couch and go for it...I meet my first challenge. Getting off the couch. It hurts.

Everything hurts. Everything is uncomfortable. When I start to try to live the life I imagine, it doesn't feel like I'd imagined. It feels like trying to live the life I imagine with 200 pounds packed inside and outside of me.

So I have a choice, here -- I can try anyway, fail some and hurt a lot...or I can quit. Quitting is a real option -- I might even get famous for living naked in my bed for a few years before I die. Even if I don't go out that spectacularly (?) I could probably get by, maybe have some happiness. I think that's what a lot of people in my position end up doing. So it really is an option.

I don't want that option, of course. So I'm going to have to do something else. It is *not* an option to begin right now feeling light and happy and energetic. I'm going to have to find joy *before* I get there.

I'm going to have to find paths to joy that can coexist with the pain and the discomfort. I'm going to have to find joy in small successes, and get my eyes off of all the work that is yet to be done. I think for me that's going to mean doing "small things with great love," which may mean that I look a little silly.

Yesterday I did something that fits this idea -- I opened up a box of decorated mason jars and put away the stuff on my counter, enjoying the feeling of doing it in a beautiful way. It's not the fastest way to get my kitchen counter clean (I could have put the plastic bags into the cabinet), but it made me feel good. It made me feel like I was creating beauty, not just meeting obligation.

So...it's 5:00 pm. I'd like to spend the evening cleaning up my apartment. More specifically, I'd like to have some joy when I wake up in the morning. Yes, that's a better way to say it. The joy of the Lord is my strength.

I'm going to go back to the kitchen, and see if I can find joy in every little patch of counter or floor that's cleared and cleaned. See if I can be doing it because I really want to, because it fits with who I am...not because I'm so full of shame about letting it get dirty.

2009-03-27T13:05:00.000-07:00

Here's what I've been thinking since my last post this morning...but it's really hard to explain...

It's about being engaged in life. It's about being joyful, happy to be doing what I'm doing or being what I'm being or whatever.

When I'm teaching, or talking with a donor on the phone, or accomplishing something, I'm engaged...but it's exhausting. It's exhausting partly because I have to get myself into that mode...and it's exhausting because I drag my heavy, awkward body around while I do it.

When I'm *not* doing something like that, or hanging around with people, or whatever, I seem to check out completely. It's like I don't exist at all. I put my brain and my body completely into neutral. I'm not happy about anything. I'm not hopeful about anything. I'm not...anything.

I don't know how or when or why this started, but it's true. The "me" I've been remembering was excited about stuff...looking forward to stuff...but I mostly remember that "me" in situations that didn't end well. A lot of the memories come from the time Tony and I were together, way back when I was 19 years old. I got SEVERELY disappointed in that relationship, and maybe I never really recovered.

I do see my past history as a series of severe disappointments. Maybe at some point it just became easier to not really care -- to do the right thing, to try and make a difference, but to not really throw myself into it completely.

I see that in my time with Terri, in my school, in my work at Joshua Station. I see it in all my relationships. Wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I'm not completely there. I am always "safe" in my own shell -- the space I create with the space I take up, the chair I have to sit in (never shared with anyone else), the things I can't take part in (it's never me on the zipline with everyone cheering below), the modifications I have to make ("you guys go on dancing, I'll just watch).

It won't work to begin by being engaged with people and things outside of myself. That's sort of the approach I've already taken, and it doesn't work. I show up, but I'm food-hung-over, or dehydrated, or sweaty or unprepared because I wasn't engaged until I forced myself to get engaged five minutes before the activity started.

I'm going to have to find a way to be engaged in life when I'm all alone -- to be excited about what I'm going to do that day when I'm not going to see anyone and no one's going to see what I do. It's going to have to start with me and God and no one else.

I hope I can do that. I need a little time to think about what that would look like.

2009-03-27T11:03:00.000-07:00

The last few days have been so weird. Pretty much motionless, staring at a wall or at the TV...but somehow believing that's what I'm supposed to do.

Little trickles of understanding have been running through me, and I don't know if I would have noticed them, or if they would have trickled at all, if I'd been busier. Stuff I can't really explain, memories of who I used to be (who I really am?), hope for being that person again (or finally).

Every once in awhile, I'll get up and do some dishes, or whatever. That's new. I'm grateful for two more weeks of Lent, hopeful that something will somehow "click" before those two weeks are over...but I don't really have two weeks to stare at a wall. I do have things I have to do.

Still, I'm grateful for this little window. No one really needs me for anything, and I can catch up on my work hours. I'm doing a little work each day, and progress is being made on the web page, which is the highest priority. I think that all is well, for now.

It's noon on Friday, and all I've gotten done is breakfast. I was pretty motionless, and even a little sad. My brother called and said he didn't really want to pick me up for my sister-in-law's birthday party because he wants to spend time with her. I didn't really want to go, either -- not because I don't want to be with them, but because I want this thing that's working out in me to continue. I don't have any clean laundry, and I didn't want to leave my little apartment sanctuary to go downstairs and do laundry. I'm not really ready to be with people, yet.

Then my work phone rang. I hurried to pick it up (I don't need another message to return!), and as I spoke with the sweet woman on the other end I found myself observing myself. Who was this cheerful, capable person?? Was I being fake? Was I putting on an act?

One thought, and I'm not sure about it -- what if I'm *not* being fake or putting on an act when I'm cheerful and capable and helpful around other people. What if that's all real, but I just don't bother to do it for myself? What would it be like to be that person when I'm all alone?

This may be the new direction of the path...I'll be thinking about that today.

I'm An Idiot.

2009-03-25T20:17:00.000-07:00

Tonight I made a stupid mistake. It wasn't a big mistake, and it wasn't intentional, and it *probably* wasn't selfishly motivated (entirely), but it did hurt someone and I feel terrible about it.

Many questions arise: Why do I feel terrible? Because I got caught being stupid? Yes. Because someone got hurt? Yes. Why am I so scared? Because I'm afraid this incident will create distance between a ministry partner and myself? Yes.

But mostly, I'm scared because I let my guard down, did something without thinking, and opened myself up to complete responsibility and accountability for being really, truly stupid. It can't say good things about me that when I act without thinking, I act like such an idiot.

It seems I've spent a lot of time and energy crafting what people think of me -- the impression I give of my intelligence, my heart and my motives. I'm quite a poet at it, really.

But lately all of my crap hasn't been working, so I'm taking the hint -- God doesn't want me operating that way. Tonight I found out just how thin the shell really is: without it, with only moment-by-moment actions and reactions in my arsenal, I'm an idiot.

I see what's happening here. This is what sorry feels like.

I'm sorry.

What next?

2009-03-24T21:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, the bed is made. That makes me want to take a shower and brush my teeth before bed...progress on the hygiene front! Can't believe I'm putting this out on the Internet...but it *is* kinda new for me to do anything about personal care before bed. I tend to reserve all that for the morning...when I'm getting ready to see other people, not for my own comfort. Do we see a pattern evolving, here?

What do I want for tomorrow, then? I would really like to go back to doing my morning and evening routines -- haven't actually done both in one day, yet. I also have plans to go swimming, and an appointment with a Joshua Station teenager's school to make arrangements for getting her caught up in school. That is all stuff I want to do.

Regarding work: I want to get caught up with the web page progress, then get as caught up as possible with donor communication. Last week was pretty slammed with one big project, so all of that slid to the side.

Just looking back at the list. Yes, that is all me. Nothing there that comes purely from outside pressure, shame, guilt, etc. The work goals, of course, are prioritized by what needs to be done, but since I love my work and really want the priorities fulfilled, there is no conflict.

If this seems odd to read, I'm not surprised. It feels odd to write. A pendulum swing -- for so long I've been so far OUT of the "I want to..." thing, that now I'm checking *all* my motivations.

I know, of course, that sometimes I have to do things I don't want to do. It's really complex, too complex to explain, but hat doesn't keep it from swirling around in my head. Do I really *want* to work? Yes, I really do. Should I do it even if I *don't* want to? Yes, of course -- they pay me! How does that all work with my current psychosis? :) Maybe on some points I only need to ask "Do I want this?" at a very high level -- "Is this the job I really want?" (Yes.) On the smaller points, the question becomes more like, "What do I believe needs to be done next, separate from what any particular person might think of me?"

I believe that there will come a time when it all kinda flows around and makes sense. Until then, there's really no other way to proceed than decision by decision.

I'm grateful for the routines I have written out -- that saves a lot of decisions each day. Again, it's a higher-level decision: "Do I really believe in these routines?" (Yes, but I'm open to adjusting them, and some may need to be added to.)

Built into the routines, also, are some smaller decisions. For example: decluttering and hot spot work. Tomorrow, the decluttering I want to do is taking out trash. The hot spot work would be my desk.

One more thing, regarding nutrition. I think the most important thing, right now, is to drink enough water. I am convinced that dehydration makes everything worse -- blood pressure, diabetes, cholesterol -- and that drinking more water makes me feel better almost instantly, and that it helps me to eat less. So: 200 ounces of water a day (a little more than half my weight in ounces).

Good night. I hope I'm a little more sane tomorrow -- but I'm not holding my breath.

This goes deeper than I thought.

2009-03-24T18:40:00.000-07:00

Haven't posted for three weeks. I've been pretty confused.

I have tried, during this season, to eliminate all distractions from achieving my goals. As I've gone along, however, it seems more and more that what I'm really trying to do is to sort out all the voices in my head. Now I think I'm mostly trying to figure out who I really am and what I really want.

Lately I've hit some pretty bad stretches of depression. See, the more I force out the other voices (family, friends, "ministry" concerns, all the "shoulds"), the more it seems that there's nothing else. Nothing at all.

My apartment is messier than ever, I barely care about getting dressed in the morning, I'm gaining weight (that's what happens when you eat crap and are nearly motionless a lot of the time), and my mind doesn't even seem to be working right. My memory's bad, I can't prioritize, and absolutely EVERYTHING overwhelms me. I'm talkin' about...putting on my shoes overwhelms me. Everything.

I feel ridiculous. Embarassed. Scared that it won't get any better because there doesn't seem to be anything driving improvement. But I don't want to go backward. I really have to go forward on this path, or no change will ever be deep or permanent.

So here goes. What do I want? What do I really want?

I could say that I want a clean apartment, but that's almost too big, and it also opens the door to all the reasons why I *should* have a clean apartment. No good. Won't work. I have proof: the plan was to spend the entire day yesterday cleaning, so I could have a blissful Sabbath. Did not happen. 48 hours later, I haven't picked up a single thing. Totally frozen up. Man, I'm a mess.

Okay, enough of that. What do I want?

I would like to sleep in a made-up bed. Washed the sheets on Friday (was it last Friday, or the week before?), never put them back on the bed. Going now to do that.

Making it halfway through the day

2009-03-05T20:26:00.000-08:00

I'm so grateful for the extended "sabbath" of Lent. The things I'm attempting are not going to be learned in one day or even one week (apparently).

More later.

Mall Poetry

2009-03-03T19:27:00.000-08:00

BALLOONS (this one is definitely in progress...but it happened today!)

Four balloons touched down
in the middle of the downtown street:
one pink, one yellow, two white.

One man walked by them, then went back,
face expressionless (no expression seeming right),
picked them up by their ribbons, and tossed them to the sidewalk
so the bus wouldn't hit them, of course.

Three young people stood nearby: two boys, one girl
and the girl, needing something to touch the boys with,
used the balloons to bop them on the head.
It didn't do the trick, so she tossed the balloons up
and watched them like the child she was and is.

Up they flew, to the tops of the buildings,
and for a moment my heart soared with them.
Something beautiful shimmered inside me,
the beginning of a wondering about where beauty comes from.

I turned away to watch the police prep a man for detox.
When I looked back up, my balloons were gone.

IRRITATED/INSECURE
You tell the story again and again, and wait for me to laugh,
forcing me into a moment
when I really thought it was funny
when we thought we were really clever
and perfectly happy.

Do you make the joke again
because you liked me so much then?
Or because you like me so much less now?

Living and Learning...and Living

2009-03-03T19:04:00.000-08:00

I had a really hard time getting out of bed this morning. I hate that paralyzed feeling. It was probably a combination of the chaotic mess around me and indecision about how to spend the day. I blew off an 8:30 podiatrist appointment (what was I thinking when I made that appointment??!!)...then I blew off staff meeting...then I felt guilty...then I said, out loud: "Sabbath was made for me, not the other way around. Get out of bed!"

Got dressed, decided I really didn't want to stay home on such a beautiful day, called a cab and got my butt downtown. It was a good day. Decided to see how it would work to let go of the diet restrictions on Sabbath. Not too bad! Way too many chocolate-covered almonds at the movie ("He's Just Not That Into You"), and a big, greasy roast beef sandwich for lunch (YUMMMM), but nothing in between. Not a weight loss day -- a maintenance day -- and obviously I don't want a lot of those! We'll see...maybe I'll make this a weekly thing, but only IF I can keep the weight loss going during the rest of the week.

It does feel good to let go of the routines for a day. On the other hand, I'm looking forward to getting back to the routines tomorrow, which is maybe a really good outcome of Sabbath rest! It's kinda like being on vacation, and really enjoying it, but looking forward to getting home.

Moments of note today:

-- Writing poetry on post-it notes, sitting on a bench on the mall (will post the poems later)

-- Spending a Tattered Cover gift card to get two knitting magazines and one beading magazine. Lots of new projects, and maybe some I can build into the fundraising visions that are rising up...? Also great to see Aaron Pott at the TC -- I knew I'd run into him there! :)

-- The guy who sat down next to me on the mall this evening, said "How you doing sweetheart" (uh-0hhh...I see it coming...) then "Are you losing weight? 'Cause there's fat farms, and..." !!!!! Maybe I was channeling the strong women in the movie I've just seen. I looked at him and said, firmly and loudly: "You are the rudest person I have ever met. Stop talking to me or I will call the police. I'm going back to reading my magazine. Get away from me!" I kept on reading, and he sat there for a minute silently. He finally got up and said, "Okay, bye. God loves you." I would have said something reconciliatory, but he started again: "But you know, there are--" "NO. YOU'RE DONE," I said, with a hand motion that cut him off completely, so he walked away. It felt good.

So tonight I'm watching "The Biggest Loser" and the SECOND "After the Final Rose" show of The Bachelor (I know...I know...), and eating some Chinese food.

Tomorrow I get up and start the routines again. It's a Wednesday, which is a good day to reboot. Lots of time slots that can be squished around as needed. I also need to get in a LOT of work -- this week in general, and especially tomorrow because the rest of the week has filled up with other stuff.

Blessings and blessings and blessings.... :)

So...what does Sabbath mean this week?

2009-03-02T18:13:00.000-08:00

This has been a successful, revolutionary week -- sort of. I lost five pounds, I got up earlier than I have in months, I stayed transparent, I freaked out a couple of times, and I failed on a couple of things, too.

I'm loving the fact that I have seven weeks to get all of this right. So here comes Tuesday (my Sabbath) -- what do I need?

My apartment is still a mess -- I would love to get it cleaned up. I think I have the energy, I don't think I'd get "stuck," and it would be beautiful. On the other hand, tomorrow is also the first staff meeting in Lent -- MHM staff meetings are very spiritual, and I'd like to go through Lent with the staff community -- so I'd hate to miss it, and if I attend the meeting I won't get going on my cleaning up until after 11:00 in the morning.

I have been working pretty hard (in great part because I've had so much more energy!), and the weather is going to be beautiful tomorrow. I wonder if what I really need is to head downtown and go to a movie, read a book...get lost and relax BIG. I do hate the thought, though, of coming home to a yucchy place.

I wonder if I can make cleaning my place into a real Sabbath -- make it feel like adding to beauty instead of slogging through obligation.

Maybe -- if I do the things I really *want* to do (set up my desk the way I want it, maybe decorate it...) and avoid the things I really *don't* care about. I could throw some laundry in while I'm downstairs for staff meeting. It would be lovely to change my bedding and make up my bed.

Maybe I could beautify my home most of the day, then go downtown in the evening. I would have to be careful not to stay out toooooo late, so I don't set myself up for failure on Wednesday morning.....yes, I think that's an answer.

One more question -- do I take a vacation from my Lenten disciplines? I'm kinda leaning toward it. Not a license to binge...but freedom from counting calories, and maybe some fun food at the movie, etc. Let go of the three-hour morning routine, especially since the whole day I'll be doing that stuff..........yes. That's what I'll do. I'll know after trying it once whether it works or whether it sabotages me.

Okay. Got it. Blogging is, as Martha Stewart would say, "a good thing."

Sabbath Rhythms Accidentally Discovered...Duh...

2009-02-28T12:58:00.000-08:00

I'm sure someone else has thought of this....but I don't know if anyone has ever pointed it out to me, and it just dawned on me this week.

About a year ago, I discovered the necessity of a weekly Sabbath. I don't even remember, now, what drove me to it. I just know that I will never go back -- one day a week (right now it's normally Tuesdays), I stop and take time to remember who I am, who I belong to, and what the point of it all really is.

So now I'm at the beginning of a Lenten journey, and I realized...Lent is 50 days long, just short of 1/7 of a year! I know it's not a Biblically mandated thing, but it sure makes sense to me that there would be a period of time each year (and springtime makes good sense!) to refocus and reenergize in some way.

Now, as I work on my routines, I've set aside 60 minutes a day for a mini-Sabbath, and 30 minutes a day to do something that's not on my schedule, preferably something creative, something that "adds to the beauty."

Just did the math: in a 16-hour day (allowing for 8 hours of sleep), 1/7 of that day is just over two hours. So here's what I'm thinkin' -- let's bump that 30 minutes of creative time up to 60 minutes, and I'll have a daily, weekly and yearly rhythm of sabbath!

This could, I suppose, get selfish really fast -- but I don't think that's where this is going.

First Day Away From Home: Epiphany

2009-02-28T08:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I borrowed my friend's car, as I normally do on Fridays, for errands, etc. It was the first day since Lent began that I've been away from the house. I didn't feel prepared, partly because my my evening routine isn't solid, yet, and I hadn't set out all the things I'd need for the day.

I had *tried* to plan my food, but got stuck. Didn't know where I'd be at lunch time...decided just to record it as I went and hope for the best.

On the food level, it went just okay. No binges (no weight loss this morrning, either), but I did *not* record everything and I had that old "out of control" feeling that makes me want to go *completely* out of control.

So on a purely logistical level, I learned that I am correct in believing that faithfulness to my routines is the key. No matter what, do the prep work.

On a deeper level, I spent a good part of the day in the car, with lots of time to think and observe my emotions. I was irritable, fearful, anxious, even resentful, by turns. "What is WRONG with me??" was the question of the day.

Here's the best answer I could find, and I think it's important to my recovery. For whatever reason, I do not want seem to want to ENGAGE. I don't want to be deeply involved in other people. I don't want to care...about anything. In everything I do, I seem to maintain an odd *distance* from it.

I've partly done that through food -- eating gives me something else that I'm doing, rather than being completely involved in the people and events I'm in contact with. If I'm always eating...thats what I'm doing. It's a sort of shell, a way that I can show up do the right thing (or the thing I choose, whether right and wrong is even an issue)...but not be completely there. Even when I'm not eating at the moment, overeating and eating junk food has kept me in enough of a haze that I'm never fully engaged.

Maybe that's part of the jittery feeling I experienced the other night. I was a turtle without its shell -- even at home alone, I was in danger of completely engaging in the work I was doing, or the housework. I think that's where the "stuck" feeling comes from, the "need" for "transition time." It takes me forever to become willing to even *do* the next thing, let alone put my heart into it.

I could spend time analyzing *why* I'm this way, and could write pages and pages about where it began, and I could see where that might be valuable in some cases...but I think I've done a lot of that work, and all I'm really interested in right now is where the process has left me. I'm here now, feeling afraid and resentful of engaging in the people, places, activities and events that mean a lot to me. Where do I go from here?

I think the answer is to stay the course. Continue to throw off the shell, let it make me uncomfortable, continue to observe and understand and forgive myself for it all, and see what beautiful things come of the reversal of this weird disorder.

Yesterday, that meant sitting at a laundromat really reading the book in my hands, instead of accompanying it with a candy bar and a soda. It meant kissing my mom and smiling at her, even when I was just running up to her door to get the cell phone I'd left behind earlier.

This morning, it meant setting my timer before I got out of bed, to push myself into the first step in my day. It also meant observing myself and talking out loud to myself when I tumbled back into bed halfway through the morning routine.

And right now it means obeying the alarm that just went off, and going to get myself some breakfast.

This may take a LOT of blogging, at first...

2009-02-26T18:09:00.000-08:00

I am feeling borderline psychotic, right now.

I decluttered the couch this morning, so my bedroom is looking better. It's bedroom week in FlyLady world. I *thought* I was okay with the office waiting its turn...but in my hyper state (even after the Popcorn Incident I'm still jittery), I can't tolerate the mess.

I just cleaned out my purse *and* my backpack. Did *not* find the jump drive I thought was surely in one of them. It's not in the top drawer of my desk, either.

This is starting to look like an all-night desk and office declutter...but I'm borrowing Matt's car at 8:15 in the morning, so if I stay up all night doing this, will I be able to get up and do my morning routine?

I HATE it that these questions are still an issue for me, at the age of 48. Shouldn't I be winding down, about now? Shouldn't I be spending my evenings reading and my mornings in peaceful contemplation, just before heading over to an office that is set up just the way I need it, to do work I have been doing the same way for years?

Okay, enough "shouldn't I" talk.

What am I going to do TONIGHT?????

Since I have NO idea what I *should* do, I'm going to do what I *want* to do, which is to clean up this office. When I'm done, I'll figure out what I'm doing about tomorrow.

There ya have it. I'll check in later.

P.S. Remembered where I put the jump drive, so the scary-urgency thing is diminished...but not the jittery-urgency. Maybe that means I do the cleanup tonight, but not *all* night...

P.P.S. I can do some of this as part of my Evening Routine, without breaking any resolutions. Here's my decision: do just as much work as I need to, in order to run a report I promised for the India office, then start my Evening Routine and stretch the "launch pad and desk" and "declutter hot spots" items a little. That should get things tidied up enough that I don't feel like I'm going crazy. In my Evening Routine, I have an "update my calendar" item -- that will allow me to make decisions about how to get the Morning Routine stuff done. Whew. I think I'm gonna make it.

Failure?

2009-02-26T17:09:00.000-08:00

Failure...? Or learning experience? I guess that depends on how I proceed from here.

It's Thursday. That means mandatory community dinner in the Christian community where I live. As 6:00 approached, I felt more and more pressure -- still feeling my engine revving, for whatever reason, and my brain going through the list of foods that would stop it from revving and give me some blessed, sedated relief. The #1 contender was a big bowl of popcorn with a bunch of olive oil and nutritional yeast. Good food, but not low-cal, and I knew I didn't have the calories left in my daily tally to swap it out for the spinach and tomato sautee I had planned for dinner.

Spinach and tomatoes, sauteed in olive oil and sprinkled with nutritional yeast, is pretty satisfying stuff and would probably have done the trick and calmed me a bit -- I initially decided to "stay the course," and headed into the kitchen to cook my dinner.

Problem: no clean pans. Last straw. I grabbed the popcorn pan (always on top of my stove), and in five minutes I was on the couch, stuffing oily popcorn into my mouth as fast as I could.

It worked. I felt better. Walked over to community dinner, not knowing exactly what I would do but hoping I would *not* end up with a piled-up plate of comfort food. Hoping...as if I didn't really have any control over it. Maybe a *little* more in-control than that sounds.

The room was just as crowded, noisy and chaotic as it always is. The menu was Sloppy Joes and potato chips. There was a table of fruit available, but it didn't look even a little bit appealing to me. One of my neighbors greeted me with bad news: Child Protective Services is contacting her because her son had a headache and told the school nurse it was because his mom had "hit him with a bowl." True -- but he didn't mention she was making dinner, turned suddenly and hit him accidentally.

I did my best to listen to my friend's troubles, looked around for a seat...and decided to bail. Probably best. Maybe by next week I'll be stronger, more normaled-out.

I've just adjusted my food diary online, and I'm still in weight-loss range, calorically (barely). I need to start fasting now anyway, for some lab tests tomorrow morning. I'm okay.

Maybe I need to make up some of this popcorn and store it in a big canister or something, doling it out a cup at a time as a snack...? Or maybe not yet. Not while I'm still tempted to eat large quantities of it.

One big lesson out of this: stay the course and see if the planned food does what's needed.

Another: don't tolerate situations where I think I need to break my food plan in order to carry on. Instead, make my health the highest priority, even if it means I fall short on some other commitments for awhile.

One more: I need to exercise more. I think it will even out the chemical changes, and will give me more "calorie space" when this stuff comes up.

The biggest lesson is yet to be learned as I live it out: Don't quit. Don't overreact. This isn't even really a failure, since I'm still within weight loss range today. Just do the next thing. :)

Weird reactions

2009-02-26T14:43:00.000-08:00

The first two days of Lent have brought an odd reaction from my body -- yesterday I was reluctant to move and exhausted by the end of the day. Today I am so hyper I just now had to lay down and do some deep breathing to keep my brain from racing away. Felt like I was going to spin right up into the air. Weird.

I don't *think* it's caffeine. I've been doing a lot of caffeine, for a long time, now. I don't think it's sugar -- I haven't had anything high-glycemic for the past two days. I think it's just my body chemistry trying to adjust. Yesterday it made for a very low-productive day at work, and today I was *very* productive, until my brain threatened to run away from home. Hoping to get more done tonight.

If you're praying for me, pray that my metabolism or whatever will even out and I can feel more normal! Still, it isn't entirely unpleasant -- any change is a good change, at this point.

Another observation: I've always known that I tended to need long transition periods between activities, but now that I'm trying to get several new things done each day it's becoming really obvious. True to FlyLady's system, I'm setting a timer for routine activities. My morning routine (which includes a daily mini-Sabbath and some time for creative stuff) adds up to three hours, but the past two mornings I have started out every day an hour behind. That extra hour seems to be entirely taken up with "staring at a wall" (or staring at a TV). The activities themselves don't take longer than they're scheduled -- the transitions are what's killin' me.

In other words, I need to develop the skill of moving smoothly and without resistance from one activity to another. I kinda knew that, but I didn't realize how important it would be to develop that skill. Something else to pray about!

Day 2

2009-02-26T09:20:00.000-08:00

Again today I read a little in _SubMerge_ during my mini-Sabbath. Here's the thought that came out of it, one I really need to hold in my heart for awhile:

I want to LOVE, not just ENJOY the people I live with. There's a big difference. I really enjoy my life here at Joshua Station. I enjoy the beautiful little things that happen, the children who come to my door and the moments I spend tutoring or making jewelry with my neighbors, or driving them to the grocery store.

But if I really *love* little Maria, I'll think about her when she's *not* at my door. I'll remember that she had a bad day at school yesterday and maybe I'll call to see if today was any better. I'll pray for her. If I really *love* my friend Amanda, I'll initiate time with her when I have other things to do. I'll play games with her. I'll feel a little empty when I *haven't* had time with her.

I think maybe I can develop some of this through practice -- remembering daily that this is what I want to do and who I want to be. A lot of it, however, will have to come directly through the Spirit of God, so I'm praying he'll work it in me.

I vaguely remember...maybe *not* so vaguely...being afraid of this kind of thing, but I don't feel afraid any more. A tiny little wave of overwhelmediness (my own word -- thank you!) rises up, but it's quickly stemmed by memories of God's faithfulness to me. I remember that God has *commanded* me to take a Sabbath rest each week, and I remember what I learned only yesterday: I am not to give my life TO the Kingdom. I am to live my life IN ministry.

Life in the Beautiful Kingdom is just this way: we love each other. We are not isolated, looking out our windows to merely enjoy the view. We step outdoors and greet each other, invite each other in, feed and clothe each other. We live together.

My Life is My Ministry

2009-02-25T07:47:00.000-08:00

One of my new Lenten disciplines is an hour of what I'm calling "Spirit time" each day -- mini-Sabbaths that may look a little different every day, just as my weekly Sabbath days do.

Today I'm reading a book titled _SubMerge_ by John Hayes, general director of InnerChange, about incarnational ministry among the poor. I partly chose it because I need to return it to Rebecca before she leaves the country in a month or so (!), but it also speaks to my soul every time I have a chance to read a bit. I'll probably need to buy my own copy. (Bunnytrail temptation...is it available on Kindle? Should I *get* a Kindle? Resisting...resisting...) :)

Here's part of what I read today. The bolded portions jumped out at me most:

"Your ministry is not your life; your life should be your ministry. Its a tiny change in word order, but there's a gigantic difference -- one that will lead you to burnout and misery if you confuse the two.

"When ministry is your life, you will give when you have nothing to give, work when you should be resting, neglect that which should be your greatest priority, and ultimately loathe the very people you are called to love. In short, when ministry is your life, you have no life to offer to others and nothing but ministry to invite others into.

"On the other hand, when your life is your ministry, all of life becomes a sacrament before God: your work and your rest, your eating and sleeping, your generosity and your neediness, your care for your body and the environment, your trivial pastimes and your greatest accomplishments. When all of your life is what you offer as your ministry, then nothing is wasted. In short, when your life is what you offer to others as ministry, what you offer is multifacetted and rich with meaning."

This is now part of my Lenten contemplation -- I have always wanted, as most Christians do, for "all my life" to be given to God and His Kingdom. We sing it in many of our songs, we pray it, we talk about it...but we secretly sense that it's impossible.

What if I stop trying to give my life TO the Kingdom (leaving me with no life at all) and instead live my life IN the Kingdom? Just typing that sentence made my heart smile and my mind flash on scenes from every adventure story I've ever read that's set in a glorious kingdom. Living my life IN the Kingdom means I have something truly beautiful to invite others into.

Fat Tuesday

2009-02-24T18:33:00.000-08:00

Day before Ash Wednesday...Mardi Gras, Fat Tuesday, last day before Lent. I was reminded today that "Lent" means "springtime." Perfect!

I thought I would spend the day getting my home in order, but then I realized: that's what the Lenten fast will be for. Today was my Sabbath (Tuesdays work better for me). I decided to take it easy, but do a few things that would prepare the way for the disciplines that begin tomorrow.

I took some "before" pictures of my home, but the only reason I would post them is as a contrast to the "after" pictures. No need to wallow in the mess -- I'll post the pictures when it's time to rejoice in the progress!

Tomorrow I'll post my physical starting points: weight, blood pressure, measurements, etc. I'll have more after I go in for some lab work on Friday. I'll take some "before" pictures of my body, too -- in the stretchy black jumpsuit thingie I bought a few weeks ago just for this purpose.

By the way...OMG...if you get a chance to YouTube the president's speech on the economy that I'm watching right now, do it. Now THIS is a president. Thank you, Lord!!

Extreme Lifestyle Makeover

2009-02-21T10:42:00.000-08:00

Lent is coming...I've been thinking about that a lot. A couple of years ago, I heard my pastor say in a sermon, "What is going to be DIFFERENT, because of this season?" NOT "what are you going to give up," but what is going to be different? I like that.

Last week, one of the pastors at my new church taught from Isaiah 58, and the main point was that God is not impressed with our silly little fasts -- the kind of fast he want is the kind that makes a difference in the world.

So here's what I'm thinking............

I have several (many) things that I've tried to change, over the years -- a whole list of things that I know work, that I need to build into my life. Everything from diet and exercise to budgeting and housekeeping, and more. All put together, they form a pretty complete vision of the way I want to manage the basics of life, so that I'm free and energized to focus on things *outside* my life. It's actually pretty wonderful and miraculous that all these systems have come together and I know exactly what to do.

So here I am with this perfect plan, every piece of which I've tried out at some point and know that it works. Why am I not living it all? Every piece has been picked up, tried out...and dropped. Why?

Yeah...I can't answer that question, at least not completely, but I know what I want to do right now. I want to make it happen, and Lent seems like a good opportunity.

Here's what I'm gonna do. Put it all into Outlook, so it's centrally located and listed...and do it. For the 50 days of Lent, I'm just gonna do it. Stay up all night, get up early in the morning -- whatever it takes. Just push through the discomfort all at once, and commit to it for these seven weeks, as a Lenten fast.

I think it's a proper Isaiah 58 fast, too, because my motivation has shifted, over the years. I no longer want to lose weight so I can get a boyfriend...a husband...a career...whatever. Now I just want the energy to love the people I live with and follow through on the things God has planned for me to do. I want the Kingdom to come to MY LIFE. True, I will also be happier, healthier, and enjoy life more...but that's the way the Kingdom works, isn't it? Everyone gets blessed. God is so good.

The elements of my 50-Day Extreme Lifestyle Makeover are:
Using MyFoodDiary.com's guidelines as minimum food guidelines, and recording all my food
Half an hour to one hour of exercise every day (also recorded on MyFoodDiary.com).
Setting up and adhering to my March and April budgets, using MyTotalMoneyMakeover.com
Using FlyLady's housekeeping system, with the Daily Flyt Plan as a minimum standard
One hour of spiritual time every day (mini-Sabbath -- not sure what form they will take)
A weekly complete Sabbath day
Keeping up and doing well with work commitments (30-40 hours a week)
Keeping up and doing well with Joshua Station commitments (tutoring and resident volunteer)

I think I'll post some "before" pictures and post some "before" notes on Tuesday (the day before Ash Wednesday, and my last Sabbath before Lent).

:)

Happy

2009-02-03T23:00:00.000-08:00

No posts for 15 months, then three in one day!

I'm happy now, as this weird Sabbath day ends. My puttering resulted in a relatively-clean kitchen and front room. I decided I'd spare my downstairs neighbors and not clean the floors tonight (it's midnight!).

I do NOT feel:
--miserable that I spent my Sabbath cleaning
--bummed that I didn't get it ALL done (the bedroom is still pretty much a wreck)
--stressed that I'm facing a busy work week again

In fact, since I work at home I'm feeling really happy about the work week beginning. I have a pleasant place to work!

So I'll keep on puttering whenever I have a little time, instead of crashing. I'll bet the difference in calories burned will add up, and I know the difference in my state of mind will be pretty huge, also.

Laziness

2009-02-03T22:17:00.000-08:00

It's really weird that, after a zillion false starts, I haven't been able to lose this weight. I know what needs to be done. Fewer calories in, more calories out. Lower-glycemic eating. Exercise to build muscle mass so I burn more calories even when I'm sleeping. I've even learned to eat healthy food, and my fridge and cupboards are closer to vegan than any of my skinny friends will ever dream of.....

So what the HECK??!! Here's the thing (or ONE of the things): I'm LAZY. I have to face it, and today I really tried. Today, a sabbath day with no other priorities, I decided I would focus on overcoming the laziness. I woke up in a messy, dirty apartment (again), and spent most of the day nearly motionless (again); but this time, I observed it. I talked through it. I tried to understand this girl lying in bed, staring at TV shows she had zero interest in watching.

Around 5:00 p.m., I asked myself (out loud): "Why are you doing this? What is keeping you from moving? Why would you choose this laziness, on a day specifically set aside for nothing but to battle it?"

I tried to be honest in my answers (also out loud): "I'm afraid I'll get tired and overwhelmed. I'm a little depressed. I'm uncomfortable standing or even walking across my apartment."

And I tried to understand that I'm not bad. I tried to be kind to myself, like I would with anyone else struggling with something they hate: "I know it hurts a little to get up and get moving, but don't worry, you won't hurt yourself. It will be uncomfortable for awhile, but ultimately you'll be *more* comfortable, if you go through it. The depression will lift, too. And it doesn't have to be all-or-nothing. Just move a little, do something. No other expectation."

So I started. I put some dishes in the sink. I sat back down. Talked to myself some more and got back up. It went on like that for the rest of the evening. I didn't have any real goal in mind -- just do *something*.

Sometime early on, I came up with a word for what I was doing: "puttering." This is what people do (isn't it?). They just kinda do stuff. They just pick something up and put it away, wash the dishes that are in the sink, tidy up a shelf or whatever. They stop and start, and don't even think about making a big deal out of it. They putter.

So I stopped for awhile to do something else: I made a little sign that says "I (heart) Puttering!" and put it on my fridge. Dopey, I know...but it was another thing I did. No big deal.

To do stuff...at all. To do stuff without making a big deal... To do something just because it occurs to me to do it... This is all going to sound ridiculous to a lot of people who have lived it all their lives. I have spent so *many* years "stuck," it's a HUGE revelation to me. Life-changing!

So I'll try to walk in this, and after awhile I won't have to try very hard, and eventually it will be natural...and something else will be the new frontier.

Thank God for Sabbath.

Time Warp...15 months later...

2009-02-03T15:58:00.000-08:00

Amazing...I haven't written since November of 2007.

And I'm still basically the same weight: right around 385. Since I last posted, I dropped down to 370, but I'm back up.

So here we go again..............

I'll keep ya posted.

:) Lori

Continuing Education...

2007-11-14T22:20:00.000-08:00

This is such a long process -- it seems like I'm relearning everything I ever learned about food and movement. Today I completely failed...but I think I learned something, and I hope it will stick.

I don't think it's always been this way, but lately it seems like I lose weight when I'm on vacation, and I tend to binge when I'm busy and even when I'm fulfilled and happy -- but busy. When I have time to make choices and I'm relaxed and free to do what I really want to...I choose healthy food, I push myself to exercise more, and I enjoy moving.

But when I'm busy (like I was today -- from 7:00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m.!), it doesn't seem to matter whether I'm enjoying what I'm doing or not. I don't have the time I want to think about what I really want to eat, or what will make me feel good...and I fall back on old habits that I have long since discarded because they make me feel like crap.

I ordered food in twice today -- Chinese at lunch time, and hot wings and cinnamon bread after the last of the kids left at 8:00 (so I didn't start *eating* that heavy meal until after 9:00!). I didn't want to eat like that. I didn't enjoy the food. I found myself longing for sauteed tomatoes and good whole wheat bread...but my kitchen is full of dirty dishes, I have no groceries in the house, and I couldn't see myself taking the time to cook.

Here's the thing, though -- I *did* take time to eat. I made the phone calls (after stressing out for a couple of hours each time about whether or *not* to make the phone call), and I stopped long enough to eat -- and to eat too much! So, would it really have been more time away from my work to eat well?

I really think it has to do with changing habits. The new habits are becoming my preference, but they still take energy to choose. The old habits feel effortless, even if they really aren't.

I have no idea whether any of that made sense...

Crying like a big ol' baby

2007-08-22T07:55:00.000-07:00

My body and my soul are connected. How did I miss that? Today I'm feeling the emotional flood of "that time of the month," and I'm mad at everyone around me for not delighting in me, not making me feel beautiful and unique and indispensable.

Oh, how the woman I am longs to be known. I'm so sick of leaving my home and taking on the identity I've created, the me I present to the world, that I understand completely how people eventually give up, go to bed and eat their way to 1000 pounds or more. In my bed, I'm me. In my home, I move gracefully and create things that make sense to me.

Out there it's scary. Things that should be beautiful are as dirty and fragile as plastic always becomes, no matter how smooth and white it started out. I should be able to do something about it. I need to find my super hero outfit.

No one else knows about it, and I've never actually seen it, but it's made of denim and crepe and embroidery floss and beads, and when I finally put it on it will swirl around me and everyone will know who I really am.

Until then, I'll try to stay mild-mannered, try to get by on ordinary strength and live without my real powers. But it's getting old.

On a different note

2007-07-29T07:32:00.000-07:00

I learned something the hard way once I got home. The good news is that it didn't send me into a tailspin, and in fact I saw a one-pound weight loss just two days later.

Here's what happened: I had a date to swim with friends at 1:30 p.m., and almost no food in the house after coming home from vacation. I went out to Starbucks for breakfast and got a latte and a little cheese-and-fruit plate, went swimming a couple of hours later, and was famished when I got home.

And here's what I learned: I must NOT get in a position where I have no food in the house. I really did my best (or the best I could do in my famished, hazy state) -- I had some whole wheat bread with olive oil. Three slices. Then two more slices. And I felt yucchy.

Yucchy doesn't work for me. My body starts thinking of what it needs to eat to get UNyucchy. And my body decided it needed pizza and wings. (Craving protein?)

Spent the entire afternoon fighting the craving (mostly by watching TV and going back and forth about whether or not to go for it). Finally caved at about 8:30 p.m.

Ate the wings, felt satisfied, looked at the pizza and felt the old "gotta finish it" urge. Didn't finish it *all*, but enough that it was now 10:00 p.m. and I felt yucchier than ever. Went to bed miserable, but the worst part was that I was looking at another day tomorrow with nothing good to eat in the house.

I don't remember how I got through Tuesday, but the binge didn't continue (thank God!), and on Wednesday night I went shopping. Since then I've been consuming more fruit than I have in my life, and I LIKE IT!

Vacation weight loss!

2007-07-29T07:23:00.000-07:00

Got back from vacation a week ago. I meant to write while I was traveling, but... "Note to self: bring a laptop next time!" Lots of WiFi spots, almost NO computers I could use.

Weight after vacation: 382.1. Weight at doctor visit two days later: 381.2. Mission accomplished! I've lost another four pounds this month, and enjoyed my vacation TREMENDOUSLY! Even got to eat a burger, have a couple of beers and a couple of ice cream cones...but most of the time I was eating fruit and whole grains, and walking around Seattle, Portland and Pendroy (Montana) helped a LOT!

I think the trick was this: routine eating stayed healthy and light. No need to splurge on breakfast, lunch and dinner. Instead, I ate oatmeal for breakfast (some days), munched on whole grain cereal and dried fruit on the road, and saved the "fun eating" for things that really were fun.

For example (and this is startling to me, you must believe me!), I did *not* eat ice cream every time the opportunity presented itself! In fact, I didn't even eat ice cream every time my traveling companion ate ice cream! I even went through a Dairy Queen drive-through (with my tall, thin, healthy, male friend who needed something for lunch) and didn't get anything! Nothing! Not even a diet soda, because I really didn't want one right then.

Instead, I saved my ice cream eating for two really special times: the Elevated Ice Cream Company in Port Townsend, WA (where I've been wanting to go for YEARS!), and the little place in the Colorado Rockies, on the way home, where my friend stops every year with his family. Perfect. Yum. And no guilt.

It's starting to come together. I'm starting to get it, I think....

The first five pounds

2007-07-07T21:10:00.000-07:00

Weighed in yesterday -- five pounds in the last month (now at 385.4). I wish it were more...but I need to take this and be happy. After all, I was completely bummed out when I gained a few pounds at a time -- why not be joyful when it goes the other way?

I'd really like to lose 20 pounds a month for awhile. At my weight, it doesn't seem unreasonable. But here's the main thing -- I never want to hit 390 again. That's over. 390 is over. Never again. Did I say that? :)

I'm heading out on a road trip tomorrow (see northwestroadtrip.blogspot.com). My goal is to lose *some* weight on the trip -- NOT to come back with more weight to lose! It shouldn't be hard. I'm traveling with someone who "gets it," I have control over what kind of food I eat in the car, and I'm going down to sea level, so it should be easy enough to walk, swim, etc.!

I'll check in during the trip. Gotta go clean house, or I may never come home!

Lori

A few days in -- not that big a deal

2007-07-02T07:04:00.000-07:00

Feelin' good. Maybe I should describe the diet I'm on -- it's called the Rice Diet, but it's really not about rice. It was developed in the '40s, and the first version of it really was just rice and fruit, but it has been expanded into a simple, low-sodium, low-fat eating plan.

Because it consists mainly of whole foods (grains, fruit, veggies, a little dairy and protein), the calorie level is low -- about 800-1200 calories a day, and I'm definitely hungry sometimes, but that works for me -- I like to be able to *feel* the weight coming off!

I've discovered another personal benefit to the low calorie content: it allows some flexibility. Now, some of this flexibility isn't actually written into the plan, but this is my eating plan, my body -- it's about getting healthy, not about following a regimen. The first day I was on this plan, I had an extra meal. It brought my calories up to 1100 or so, rather than 800, but it takes about 4000 calories a day to maintain my current weight, so guess what? I still had a deficit of 2900, and that's most of a pound of fat! (A pound of fat is about 3600.)

I'm also using the low calorie level of the plan another way -- it allows me to work in some treats. For example, Saturday I went to a cabin party where I knew the host had been slow-cooking some meat all day, and I decided I'd like to have some. So I stuck to the strictest form of the plan all day (two starches, two fruits at each meal), went to the party, had the meat I wanted and even a few really great cookies someone had brought up...and stopped. I did *not* do the thing where you say "Well, I've blown the diet now -- might as well pig out," then eat potato chips all night. I didn't even have s'mores later on. It just didn't sound good, and definitely not worth the calories.

Ohmigosh, could it be that....I don't *like* s'mores? When they were passing around the chocolate and marshmallows, it just sounded too sweet. "Too sweet" -- is that something I ever thought I'd say? Amazing.

I did feel heavy for awhile after I ate the meat, but by the time I left the party I was feeling light and good again, because I didn't spend the rest of the night eating! When I looked around, I realized I had eaten just like all the skinny people in the room -- had a heavyish meal, then stopped. Later on, after a lovely evening of visiting with my good old friends *without* a plate my hands and food constantly in my mouth, I noticed that all the munchies had been put away to make room for candles on the table -- I guess that's what skinny people do when they're done eating for awhile! Who knew!?!

The great news is this -- I know that even with the extra calories I'm still low in calories for the day (and certainly for the week!), so it's just not a big deal. I don't have to feel guilty, don't have to feel anything at all. I can just pick up my two starches and two fruits at the next meal, and keep on losing weight! Whoo hoo!

That seems to be a life theme for me, right now -- "It's just not that big a deal." Cleaning up my apartment? Not that big a deal -- I'll just do whatever I have time for each day, instead of stressing out about reserving a weekend for an overhaul of the place. And it's not a measure of my self-worth -- it's just a messy apartment. Not that big a deal.

I even made some changes in a significant relationship recently -- just made a few changes in my way of relating to them. After a difficult moment or two, we're happy, healthy and lovin' each other. Not a big deal. We're fine.

Could this be the "peace that passes understanding" that I've heard so much about? I wonder if one of the devil's best tools is making us think that things are a big deal when really they're not. How much time and energy do we waste in anxiety over molehills that looked like mountains? The world may never know... :)

I'm Done Running

2007-06-27T12:30:00.000-07:00

Remember when Forrest Gump started running, ran to one coast, turned around and started running the other way...and one day he just stopped? He was just done. He stopped, turned around and walked through all the people who had been running with him, and went home.

I had a moment this morning that felt a lot like that. I've been running and running and running...stressing...fearing...avoiding...trying to figure things out...fearing and avoiding and trying some more...then this morning I was in the shower (crying), and I just stopped. The thought was something like, "Well, time to get started, then."

With absolutely no emotion, I finished my shower, got dressed, and measured out the oatmeal for my breafast -- first meal of my diet. WITH NO EMOTION, I MEASURED OUT THE OATMEAL. No one but a dieter could possibly understand the significance of those words.

Put some rice into the slow cooker, went about my morning, and about an hour ago I measured out the cooked rice for my lunch. No excitement, no agonizing -- as if I'd been doing it this way all my life.

I guess I'm just done running.

At a Barbecue With Skinny, Athletic People...I've had nightmares like that!

2007-06-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

I had a pretty good experience at a barbecue today -- didn't eat nearly as much as I might have done awhile back, and it wasn't much of a struggle. I also had a good time talking with everyone there, but I had a little epiphany:

I realized that, while I can certainly get along with people and they like me just fine -- even at my weight -- there is a level at which I do *not* connect with people, because of my weight. We were at the park, and someone came on a cool new cruising bicycle -- a couple of the women there hopped on the bike and tried it out. I would have loved to do that; it's totally within my personality to do it, but I couldn't, at my weight. Several of the couples there were also talking about their hiking experiences, and I thought: "I could have that in common with them...if it weren't for my weight." It didn't make me think, "I don't fit in. I'm so sad. Guess I'll eat some worms," but it did make me think: "This could be better. I'd like to get there."

So, it's motivating, not depressing and demotivating -- YEAY!

The Title is a Leap of Faith...

2007-06-23T12:20:00.000-07:00

So, here I sit (and sit and sit and sit), all 391 pounds of me, and I have the chutzpah to name my blog "The Incredible Shrinking Lori!"

I believe it will be true, this time -- it really just has to be. It's time. I'm over it. There's someone inside here who deserves a chance to live.

So here I go. Stay tuned.

:) Lori